Grief tramples holiday timetables

It's almost impossible to ignore the holidays. They start earlier each year. In order for you to cope after losing a loved one, it’s very important to shift your focus on how your deceased loved ones lived, not how they died, on your blessings, happy times and positive goals. Can you deliberately change your sad thoughts?

When Fred Goldman was asked how his life has changed 20 years after the murder of his son Ron, along with Nicole Brown Simpson, Goldman said he has learned how to adjust, to change, but not change.

The parents of the couple killed in a car wreck 10 years ago were quoted in the newspaper as saying, "You can become bitter or you can step back and allow God to rescue you." They live with an eternal perspective and are more compassionate and aware of the pain of others. Do things that really matter, they said.

Coach Jimmy Johnson said he opened up some emotions when his mother died that he'd kept guarded. He said he knows himself better. Her death has mellowed him and put his priorities in perspective.

The gentleman who dines with the picture of his deceased wife reminds us that people are like candles. "At any moment, a breeze can blow it out, so enjoy the light while you have it."

As America's Most Wanted host John Walsh, who lost his son, Adam, said, "If his song is to continue, then we must do the singing."  You can help redeem your loved one's death by using it to help others like Walsh did.

Joel Osteen decided one day not to recall his father's death every time he went to his mother's house. "I'm not reliving that night. I'm not feeling those sad and depressing emotions," he said. Osteen chose to change the channel and started remembering fun times together.

Meanwhile, sad times can occur for those grieving at awkward encounters at the grocery store or glancing at a rerun that reminds you of a cozy winter afternoon.

You have the choice to gaze into the fireplace, let breezes ruffle your hair, let music find a path to your heart, feel a stream tickle your toes, walk an old path or to find a place to scream or an imaginary room in which to stuff your fears.

Think of your emotions as bubbles in a glass, the beverage being your emotional body, suggests Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors magazine. As you experience a feeling, it floats up through your body. When it reaches the surface, it pops and evaporates into the air. If you put a lid on it, you are blocking negative emotions, you'll have a buildup and it will block joy and peace. Another TAPS article said that in popsicle language, you thaw at your own rate.

Holiday choices may include modifying your decorations, opening gifts on the usual day or another time, changing the usual dinner location, going out of town or writing in a journal your hopes for the new year.

You can decide to keep the clothing that smells like your loved one or give it away. It's up to you to decide what is essential for a connection. Should the clothing be made into a quilt? Should you wear his red T-shirt every Friday to support the troops?

Maybe you are keeping something secret. A little girl with a special Teddy bear, a dad with his son's small treasure in a drawer, a widow wearing her husband's bathrobe. No one thinks anything of keeping yearbooks, their preserved wedding dress or first corsage, pair of baby shoes or top of the cake.  It's OK.

Here are some celebrity examples of coping with grief:

Kidd Craddick's daughter drank her father's favorite wine on his death anniversary.

Roma Downey will imagine her mother sitting in a corner, lovingly reassuring her like she did when she was in ballet lessons.

Melissa Rivers said her mother would want us all to return to laughing soon.

Olympic hockey player Lyndsey Fry carried a deceased team member's jersey with a note. "I made it, Liz, to the gold medal game. And you're here with me in spirit. It reminds me every day how hard I've worked and how much her memory has been there with me."

A Utah lady who lost her husband in a mall shooting that severely injured her son was determined to get her family's life back. She told her kids, "We were happy before, and we are going to be happy again." She decided to help others with an effort called Circle The Wagons. They have made 1,000 kits to send to others who have been affected by violent crimes that include a Can of Comfort filled with tips (96-hour survival guide), crucial phone numbers and a key--one side labeled strength and the other hope. Spending hours thinking about yourself isn't productive, she said, letting grief hold you up. Surge forward.

The mother of an LSU student killed in a car wreck said her mind worked 24/7. "You think of something you should have done, could have done, why couldn’t this have happened. It’s just non-stop.”

A young man who lost his grandfather said he regretted not spending enough time to know about his childhood, what drove him, all the things that he went through before he was a grey-haired man.  He said the grandfather had the privilege of knowing him so well, but he didn't know those things about his grandfather. Learn about each other now.

Another son said what he missed about his dad was probably the things the dad would miss, too. Like seeing graduations, jobs, birthdays. I still write to him on March 19, every year, this young man said.

A 7-year-old gave a eulogy and sang it the day of her grandfather's funeral. "I'm giving God the whole day and I'm not going to stop." she said. Oh, to have her attitude.

In a Reader's Digest "Words of Lasting Interest" column, the author writes, "Always go to the funeral." Her father taught her that as a child. She recalls the  3 p.m. funeral of her father and the "inconvenienced" crowd there for her.

The friend who says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away is the way author Barbara Kingsolver puts it.

Those grieving return to work and make it through the day because it has less memories of everything they have loved and lost. Being home is harder. Grief is profoundly lonely and each small gesture connects the person grieving to humanity. I read about a person who sent her friend who had a loss a card every two weeks for the first year. Another friend has texted every Thursday at 6 p.m. for three years a simple "Love you."

A doctor who wrote about his wife dying of cancer speaks of having plenty of people to do things with, but nobody to do nothing with.  Help those in grief delight in something beautiful to notice.  Cherish these things that are the "stuff" of life, says a story about Lisa Beamer's teacher on the death of her spouse.

I am a member of a daily list serve. One of the writers made grief cards with daily prompts on them and sent them to all family members after a relative's death.  Things like "tell your children a story about your loved one today" or "release a balloon in your loved one's honor." Plan a ritual activity--a church service, hike, kites flown in memory, hymns sung, a special dinner, volunteer effort or a commemoration of the deceased person's hobby or passion.

You CAN do something to help people grieving become flourishing and thriving once again rather than the disorganized, distracted, distraught, distressed, disoriented person they likely are.