19th Annual Grief Column   Cope with Hope

There is no playbook for grief. You may be on defense or offsides. But probably should be on the offense.

It takes a team around you, huddling. You may not win the coin toss every day.

You will have many incompletes. But you will also score. There will be quarters, timeouts and seasons.

Winter is cold and lonely with trees with no branches. A daughter goes to her deceased parents’ home, arriving to dark windows, piercing her heart and chiseling it away, into a house that smelled damp, with nothing in the oven and no hugs at the door. A reassuring presence will never greet her again. Friends could help put a ministering blanket over her.

Spring will bring a few budding trees. Plant a bulb. A man did this for his wife--100 of them. Blossoms speared each spring; they bloom and she knows his love surrounds her. Dylan Rounds’s mother has sent seeds all over to remember her murdered child by. Ethan Chapin’s memory is in tulips from Idaho,  where he was murdered.

Summer will remind those grieving of family vacations.

When the first anniversary of death approached, a lady featured in “The Sun” did not know what to do. It was the anniversary of the worst day of her life. She went to the ocean and thought about the trips she and her dad were going to take, things she wanted to tell him. A relief washed over her at sunset. She would never have to go through that first year again.

Death is a date in the calendar, but grief is the calendar, it is said. Your calendar will function properly one day. Just know that grief has different shelf lives.

There is the pain of separation, isolation and changing environments. The choice is yours. Turn inward or curl up into your pain. As Jim Lovell, commander of Apollo 13 said, “Tell me what on the ship is good.”

Joy McNair said she thinks of her astronaut dad every day, but It’s not always a sad thought. The process is absorbed differently by everyone.

You get stronger when you proactively deal with your grief, said a doctor in the midst of dealing with the pandemic.

You have to reconcile a new world, said Nancy Grace when her boyfriend was shot. You will eventually connect the dots. Death never has the final say. We’re people who believe in the Resurrection, and as awful and terrible as loss has been, there will be light coming from it. --Spoken by the presider of the funeral of Evelyn Dieckhaus Nash, a young Nashville shooting victim.

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory, said Dr. Seuss. In “A Man Called Otto,” he just wanted people to say he pulled his weight.

Every joyful occasion had sorrow with it, said the mother of Sarah Yarbrough, who was murdered. Encased in bronze at her grave are a dog and a book. If it interests you, Turning Hearts Medallions makes it easy for you and your family to preserve the legacy of your ancestors by sharing their memories, accomplishments and photos with the world. Unique engraved QR codes provide a lasting link to their personal profile page, ensuring their memory remains accessible to future generations.

Death steals everything except our stories, said poet Jim Harrison.  Preserve your stories while the memories are vivid. Do triumphs, failures and mistakes. The oddest, funniest, most wonderful things. Putting them into words helps organize your mind. Someday, your life story is likely to be boiled down to a few lines. If you leave things to chance, your obituary is almost sure to be solemn, formulaic and full of errors—an obligatory final chapter written in haste by others. Mine has been written for 45 years, with constant updates.

Irving Berlin said the song is ended but the melody lingers on.

When you realize your father's mortality, it's a great opportunity to say the things you'd like to say to him. James Blunt wrote a song to his ill father: Sleep a lifetime. Yes, and breathe a last word. You can feel my hand on your own. I will be the last one so I'll leave a light on. Let there be no darkness in your heart. But I'm not your son, you're not my father. We're just two grown men saying goodbye. No need to forgive, no need to forget. I know your mistakes and you know mine. And while you're sleeping, I'll try to make you proud. So, daddy, won't you just close your eyes? Don't be afraid; it's my turn to chase the monsters away.

You will find yourself doing something and wishing your late loved one was by your side. Grief reveals you if you allow yourself to feel it. You will be guided by it. You will become someone it would have been impossible for you to be, and in this way, your loved one lives on in you. --John Green, “The Fault in Our Stars”

Pat Boone feels Shirley's presence in the house all the time. He gets lonely and misses her, but that's one of the blessings. He's at peace with his own mortality and looking forward to seeing her soon.

Death is a leaving and a welcoming. Grief is like a long, winding valley where any end may reveal a totally new landscape, said C.S. Lewis.

Someone lost her husband after surgery and told the doctors she said she would pray for THEM.

On his deathbed, Thomas Edison whispered, “It’s very beautiful over there.” Those were his last words. He would not fabricate anything. He would report only what he saw. Is that scientific proof enough for you that heaven exists?

A nun who lost a student put a construction-paper crown on her desk the rest of the year to remind the others she was crowned in heaven. Absent from the body is present with the Lord.

It is said the heaviest coffin is that of a child. A child said to its to mom who "lost" a child, is something lost when you know where it is? David Jeremiah’s first funeral was a crib death, still his worst in 50 years. It's like the period in the middle of a sentence, he said.

The mother of Tyre Nichols, a man shot in Memphis, said “I cannot put his name in the past tense.”

In 2 Samuel 12:23, David says on the death of his son, “Instead I will go to him. Yet truly he will not return to me.” We never lose those we give to God.

If a tiny baby could think, it would be afraid of birth. To leave the only world it has known would seem a kind of death. But immediately after birth, the child is in loving arms, showered with affection and cared for every moment. Surely, it would say it was foolish to doubt God’s plan for it.

Grievers don't know what they need

A woman was out of town and her husband and 5-month-old died in a fire. She hurried home from her parents with their other two kids. She also lost a brother in a car accident. She had been visiting her dad in the hospital after he had a major car wreck. Her dad went to her family’s funeral on a gurney and said, “This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.” The stunned attendees sat like statues, not expecting to hear that. When her brother died, she and her husband wanted their lives to be about joy, come what may. Her whole life has been a “collector of people.” Friends, young and old, near and far. Church members, family, neighbors, co-workers and college buddies. They stepped in to make a way for her to move forward. Meals, cards, donated vacation time and care for the girls. Then they built her a house!

When your loved one passes, see if you can offer someone else something--a bed hoist or gently used medical equipment.

I went to a book review on Edith Wilson. They passed around a piece of mourning jewelry that is a tribute to the deceased--possibly hair can be placed inside.

There will be awkward conversations. Some things are none of your business. If a widow keeps her first husband's last name, puts the ring on the other hand or has his photo up, that’s her prerogative.  I try to say deceased not dead in conversations and never something like bought the farm, kicked the bucket, gave up the ghost, is no more, left this world or c'est fini. There are so many descriptions. Life-altering, living in a maze, wrenching, crumbling, cratering, unmooring, withdrawn, oblivious, weighted, disoriented, gutted. It’s like having a bad dream on repeat. You may lose your happy place, fall apart, have a hole in your heart or have half a heart or lose your anchor. The eulogist at my cousin’s funeral said he lost his white hat because they were a duo.

There was a story about the recipe reaper who is going viral on TikTok for baking recipes that are on gravestones. Such a niche. Rosie Grant of California discovers recipes in a unique place: cemeteries. A cobbler recipe belonged to O'Neal Bogan "Peony" Watson, who died in 2005 and is buried at New Ebenezer Cemetery in Castor. Grant flew to New Orleans for a conference and decided to make the peach cobbler while she was in Louisiana. She was staying at Tulane University and baked in the dorm. She then took the cobbler and made the four-hour drive to Castor. Watson's peach cobbler is one of 23 of 25 gravestone recipes that she has heard of that Grant has made since starting this project. She's always been comfortable with death, having grown up with parents who gave ghost tours. She has a clam linguini that she wants on her tombstone.

A chef equated grief with a burrito. Open it up and pick it apart. Sometimes you forget they are not here and you bring home too many groceries. You'll also have to sort through belongings as well as what's left behind in your mind. 

Steve Hartman featured a man giving up half his salary for things like Starbucks, groceries and gas. He saw a woman behind him at Burger King who appeared sad. He bought her food. She had lost her husband of 41 years. She told his utility company boss. Their circle has grown. She is now doing the same type of kindnesses.

In "Our Better Angels," one man built Habitat houses in honor of his mother who was an architect.

Anderson Cooper’s father died of heart disease when he was young and a brother committed suicide. Overwhelmed by the wilderness of grief after his mother passed, he recorded voice memos of his thoughts and feelings on his phone. He realized he could deal with his own feelings of sadness in a journalistic way as a correspondent from the world of grief. Within two days of its launch, he topped Apple’s podcast chart in the United States. It features, for one, Stephen Colbert who lost his father and two brothers in a plane crash when he was 10. He believes his loss has made him more human and allowed him to love more fully. Comedian Molly Shannon said the death of her mother, baby sister and cousin in a car crash when she was 4 contributed to her development as a comic writer and actor. Cooper asked people to Instagram or voice mail him something they’d learned that helped them. He received 1,000 calls and had a week to go through them. He was able to listen to 200 to select stories for the episode he did. Cooper said “All There Is” is the most valuable thing he has ever done.

Besides this podcast, there is an app called After Death to help with grief; you can meditate or journal. There are also AI companies where a mother “attended” her own funeral. At the end, she said goodbye and everyone burst into tears. A no from me.

Luke Russert left NBC because he realized he hadn't grieved. Grief is going to get caught up to you. You can try and outrun and ignore it, he said. But what I’ve learned is that the longer you do that, the more painful it is. I think the real peace comes through acceptance. He said, “I miss my dad, I love my dad, and I wish he was here. But I know that he is here in some capacity. And I know that he’s proud of me and happy for me. I can’t change the events of the past, but I can accept them and get to a place where I’m at peace.”

I’ll end with this. In "The Story of a Mother" by Hans Christian Andersen, a mother has not slept for three days and nights watching over her sick child. When she closes her eyes for just a moment, Death comes and takes her child. The mother rushes into the street and asks a woman, who is Night, which way Death went. Night tells her to go into the forest, but first the mother must sing every lullaby that she has ever sung for her child. In the forest, a thorn bush tells her which way to continue, but only after she has warmed the bush by pressing it to her chest, causing her to bleed. The mother then reaches a lake that carries her across in exchange for her eyes, which she cries out. The now blind mother reaches the greenhouse where Death cares for the flowers and trees, each one a human life. Here the mother finds the little sick plant that is her child, recognizing it by the sound of its heartbeat. The old woman who helps care for the greenhouse tells her, in exchange for her hair, that when Death comes, she must threaten to rip up the other flowers. Death will then be afraid for he must answer to God; only God decides when the plants are pulled up and planted in the garden of Paradise, where we do not know what happens. Death gives her back her eyes and asks her to look into a well. Here she sees the futures of two children, one full of happiness and love, the other full of misery and despair. He says that one of these futures would be the future of her child, were it to live. Then the mother screams in fear, "Which is my child! Rather carry my child into God's kingdom than allow it to suffer such a life." Death says, "I do not understand. Do you want your child back or should I carry it away into the unknown?" And the mother wrings her hands, gets down on her knees, and prays to God: "Do not listen to me when I ask against your will! Do not listen to me, do not listen to me, do not listen to me!" And Death leaves, carrying her child into the unknown land.

The end of the story is glory. --EWTN      

Dear Jacob

 

I will never forget this line. Ever. Jacob Wetterling, 11, said to his mother. “Sorry I was so crabby today. Do you want to play a game?” She said she could not. Laundry, meals, dance, hockey, basketball, friends, sleepovers. The next day, he was kidnapped in St. Joseph, Minn., in front of his brother and best friend, Aaron. It was 1989. How horrible she didn’t spend some last minutes with him even though she didn’t know how long this would play out—2016.

 

I first saw this on “20/20.” The “Dear Jacob” book came out days later, so well-written. The family story is years long and this is a long read, but worth every second. No case of all I Datelines, etc., watched since 2014 has affected me more. It’s just easier to write it up chronologically.

 

The law asked the boys where the man took Jacob, and about the vehicle, headlights, his size, voice, clothing, smells, mask, gun, which hand he held it in, whether they were playing with a gun and it went off and they were afraid to say. The parents were eating with friends and Jacob asked his dad if they could bike ride to the video store. He allowed it as it was not far. The parents were asked if anyone liked him “too much?” Offered to buy him things? Had enemies? Did the father have disgruntled employees?

 

Mom Patty was born in 1949. Her father’s car was struck by a train. He slowly recovered, but had complications from Type 1 diabetes. She was diagnosed at 33. He died at 36. Their church family supported the siblings and her mother. Her mother fell in love again in about a year with a pharmacist. She got pregnant rather quickly.

 

Patty was a math major and once taught on a ship. She’d been a soccer coach, PTA president, enterainment director for an art festival, insurance processor at her husband’s chiropractic business and landlord. She had a minor in psychology and dreamed about becoming a guidance counselor.

 

After Jacob went missing, the normal daily living felt like a betrayal.

 

There were traditional flyers and buttons. “Listen” was Jacob’s favorite song. Radio stations played it at 7 a.m. Friday mornings. Singer Red Grammer visited schools in St. Joseph to perform impromptu concerts. The governor, FBI, National Guard, national media, military personnel, dogs, horseback posse, ham radio operators and small aircraft flying clubs stepped in. A $100,000 reward was posted and there was a toll-free hotline.  People would say dad Jerry was too calm, didn’t cry, didn’t look terrified or angry. There was a never-ending parade of psychics. Phone entries to their home averaged one every five minutes. One day there was one from the Oakland A’s catcher representative. He was going to wear a J on his World Series helmet. Terry Steinback was a native of Minnesota. The father of missing Kevin Collins from San Francisco had a mailing list of places where missing kids are commonly found. Truck stops, hospitals and social service agencies. He coordinated volunteers to help with mass mailings to keep Kevin in the media. Kevin was on milk cartons. They were hoping to attract people to stamp, address and stuff and sort 35,000 flyers. They had hoped for 100 and 1,000 showed up, some with their own stamps. Kevin’s foundatioln had statistics about stranger abduction, prevention advice, tips for recognizing an abducted child and information on how to help.

 

Patty found out Aaron was groped by the man. She wanted the truth, not deception. She had to survive the moment-to-moment-ness of her new reality. She would talk to Jacob to let him know how hard they were working. It calmed her down. Her letters to him started being published in the newspaper. Does the abductor buy gas around here? Live alone? Does he make smart-aleck comments at home or work?

 

Neighbors brought flowers, food, Kleenex, toilet paper and cards. They were magical when they first arrived. The mail! She tore them open for ransom notes. Some had money. They had a map of where their flyers were going in the state. Getting up was an accomplishment for Patty. Normal things were impossible. She could smell Jacob’s sweaty hair. A shower was a luxury she thought she did not deserve. But she did it because how could she expect Jacob to stay strong if she didn’t.

 

Brother Trevor was scared to go into the bedroom. How could you crime-scene-ize your child’s bedroom?

 

Husband Jerry was president of the Chamber of Commerce and the NAACP. He was an active member of the Baha’i Faith. They had marriage counseling when he was concerned about her friendship with one of his Baha’i friends and she was concerned about his tendency to constantly reach out to people he perceived to be in need. He had been raised Lutheran and she in a congregational church. They compromised and went to an Episcopal one. Both had been math teachers. Baha’i believe that God periodically sends divine messages to encorage moral and spiritual development throughout mankind. They believe Moses, Jesus and Muhammad and most recently Baha’u’llah are some of the messengers of God who reveal spiritual guidance to humanity. They strive for world peace and advocate for racial unity, gender equality, universal education and harmony of science and religion. Patty attended open Baha’i gatherings with Jerry, but every 19 days where they celebrated Feast, non Baha’i were not allowed to attend. Jerry gave up drinking because it was forbidden and they did not go to bars. Some wondered if Jerry was gay. He was analytical. He would ask her why are you asking? When do you need an answer? They reverted to their core selves during the trauma. She was a realist and loved meeting people, focusing on solid leads and facts; Jerry was the idealist, focusing on principles, prayers and spiritual energy. Introvert vs. her extrovert. When she turned to the cops, he turned to his faith.

 

They met in geometry class and he called her the brown-nose because she sat in the front and he arrived late, seemingly hung over. He played the game 500. He was one inch over six feet tall and she was five feet, one inch. He was small town and she was big city.

Jerry found a job in D.C. with the National Jogging Association that fulfilled his two-year alternative service obligation, qualifying under the category of promoting the nation’s health. They became vegetarians and started running together.

 

Her stepfather died in 1972. He was 49.

 

The FBI sent her flowers on her 40^th birthday saying their prayers are with her and her family.

 

The Minnesota North Stars wore JW on their helmet. The Vikings wore special baseball caps along the sideline that said Jacob’s “Hope and Listen.” The family went to center court at the inaugural Timberwolves game vs. Bulls. Jacob shared the same birthday as Michael Jordan. Signs of support were in yards as were white ribbons on mailboxes, lamp posts and car antennas. People kept porch lights on. City Hall had an 11-foot candle that said Jacob’s Hope on the roof. The high school planted a tree of hope. Vietnam veterans did a 65-mile walk to raise money for his fund. He had become “everybody’s child.”

 

Geraldo Rivera came and moved the couch for his interview to find popcorn, dog hair and junk. Sounds like my place. Patty didn’t like the show, but her sister said not to write him a nasty letter because she might need him one day. They interviewed Jerry’s patients, neighbors, teachers, coaches and Boy Scout leaders, but he was never in the Scouts.There was a rumor that Jerry wasn’t his real dad. Some thought his religion killed their first-born sons.

 

Tears, prayers, songs, hugs nor media hadn’t brought Jacob back in three weeks. Patty started making chocolate chip cookies and it made her feel less mean, angry, vindictive and cynical.

 

A student told Jerry several juvenile boys in Paynesville had been molested by a Duane Hart. He was a groomer with gifts, drugs and alcohol. Jacob was taken by force. By gunpoint. Hart supposedly didn’t have a car. They also learned of Jared, 13, abducted and assaulted in Cold Spring. Danny Heinrich, a Paynesville man, was a suspect in Jared’s case. They tracked down a car he owned previously and Jared ranked it as a resemblance of the car in his abduction a 9 of 10.

 

The False Hope part

One day the public address system at a shopping center announced Jacob had been found. Someone mistook “Jason” for Jacob. There was a standoff in a house where the man was talking about Jacob. There was a caller who said he was Jacob. There were claims he was on a flight to Amsterdam, a homeless shelter, convenience store in Reno, gun show in Phoenix and flea market in New Mexico. Another missing boy got to go home because someone noticed a suspicious situation and called it in. A body was found about Jacob’s age in water. Someone had broken into a crypt, stolen a recently deceased body, cut off his head, hands and feet and threw him into the river.

 

Kevin shared Steven Stayner’s story. He was 7 in California in 1972. Men were collecting donations for the church. He showed them the way. For seven years he was brainwashed into believing his parents did not want him and that he had been adopted. Another child was abducted and Steven snuck him out of the house and they hitchhiked. We should all be able to spot a child in trouble.

 

Patty learned the lures, kind of people who do this and safety tips. She lined up safety talks at schools, churches and organizations. Scaring kids does not make them safer. Helping them be confident and staying connected to their parents does. She wanted the good people to pull together because there are more of them. Stronger than one really bad man. She gathered more stories, not necessarily stats. People remember hope. 1) You are special. Jacob loves peanut butter and sneezes in the sun. Lures are not candy and money. Children need attention and love. 2. Nobody has the right to hurt you, physically or sexually. If someone does touch you, it’s not your fault. Don’t keep it a secret. Someone reported naked lady pictures of his dad in the garage and a boyfriend of a mother who threatened her with a knife. One high school girl’s father was still giving her baths.

 

The Wetterlings  went to the State Capitol to address the missing children issue. They thanked legislators and lawmakers wore Jacob’s Hope ribbons. The governor established a commission on child abduction to make recommendations to the Legislature.

 

Patty was on the governor’s task force on missing children along with human service agencies, educators, law enforcement, social service agencies, missing children organizations, criminal justice, religious communities, parents of missing children and concerned citizens. The subcommittees were non-family abduction, parental, runaways and throwaways, public education and system needs. She was chair of the first one. She said the first thing that would have helped her was a central repository of information and sex offender registration. Sharing was needed between agencies. Information was in silos. California had a registry of sex offenders since the early 1970s. Stearns County had identified more than 5,000 sexual offenders in Minnesota in the first few months of Jacob’s kidnapping. Offenders can have 100 victims.

 

The siblings when confronted that their brother was dead would say I’ve gotta go. That’s now what we believe. You don’t have all the information. The family chose to hope.

 

After a year, the investigators went from 75 to eight, four from Stearns County, two from the state’s Bureau of Criminal Apprehension office and two from the FBI. Tens of thousands of leads had been reported.

 

Patty lost it when the kids came home with new school photos. The kids’ faces no longer had sparkles of innocence. They held questioning expressions. Trevor slept on a sleeping bag on the floor of the parents’ bedroom or a fold-out bed in Carmen’s room.

 

There was a prayer service at the College of St. Benedict, tree-planting at Centennial Park, walk/run, release of homing pigeons sent from her sister Barbi in California. The note said: I am sending you a symbol of hope, freedom, flight in hopes they will take with them some of the rage and horror of the past year and show us a freedom which we await so impatiently.

 

The current governor lost and recommendations needed to go to the new one. They brought along a former runaway, a father whose children had been kidnapped by his estranged wife and Patty with the perfect stranger abduction. The new governor put his feet on his desk and said: Am I going to have to listen to more of these? Patty wanted a violent crime center, a time limit of four hours for law enforcement to submit reports to the center, training about the use of it and updated sentencing guidelines. A sex offender registry? You can’t do that, the new governor said. “These people have rights.” That was Gov. Arne Carlson. Patty’s sheriff rose to his feet and she had to settle him down. She studied other state’s laws. The Minnesota Sex Offender Registration Act finally passed the Legislature, the 15^th state to do so. Dave Durenberger asked for help at the federal level. Offenders were choosing where to live based on states that didn’t have mandatory registration. President Bill Clinton signed the Jacob Wetterling Act. Patty’s presence personified the situation and brought it home.

 

She starting finding Jerry hard to talk to and he preferred to avoid deep discussions. Her world was dominated by pedophiles, sex offenders and victims of sexual assault. The Wetterlings were interrogated, polygraphed, pitted against each other and made targets of lies and scandals. They were even extorted. A prisoner made threats that they arranged the abduction in order to get money. 

 

She received no money for speaking engagements and wouldn’t take it from the foundation because she was afraid people might accuse her of making money off of Jacob’s disappearance. Parents of the missing lose their jobs because of absenteeism and distractions. Some hire private investigators. Jerry had withdrawn $30,000 for cell phone bills, pizza for volunteers, etc. When the tip line was about to be taken down, the foundation paid a portion of the bill. They had three full-time staffers. The family wrestled with raising children, running his business, serving on the board, educating other children, supporting other parents, advocating for laws and speaking at events. Gone were the mall days or quick bites at restaurants without interruption, though hugs, encouragement and well-wishes were appreciated.

 

The foundation expanded to missing adults, parental abductions and international abductions. They needed more clarity and vision. She took a hiatus and the executive director tended to business. The executive committee, which she was not on, dismissed the staff and director, a dear friend.  Patty didn’t want the public to think funds were mismanaged or they were closing. Several board members resigned and volunteers were upset. They began charging for speaking. Patty joined the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children board and was on the program committee. At her first White House briefing, she heard Janet Reno, attorney general, say the three elements of the crime bill were punishment, policing and prevention. Chief of Staff Mack McLarty of Arkansas filled in for Al Gore. (As Arkla CEO, he used to stay at the Remington Suite Hotel when I managed prior to the White House job). The Jacob Wetterling Crimes Against Children and Sexually Violent Offender Registration Act signing was in the Rose Garden. It was awful yet it was an honor. Patty had learned so much that she had a three-ring binder she constantly carried while traveling.

 

Jacob’s Hope T-shirts were sold at his school on the fifth anniversary. There was a time capsule that he could open when he returned. Letters, poems, a wish, autographed football, Class of 1996 keychain and hockey puck. It was handmade by a 34-year-old industrial arts teacher who had passed away earlier in the year.

 

When the FBI agent went to make a donation to the foundation, he had a photo of Jacob in there along with his own family. The FBI field office had no no family photos or crayon pictures on the cube walls. In more talks, Bahai’i came up again. They don’t have clergy. When there are enough members in a community, they elect a nine-member Local Spiritual Assembly which guides the community and manages administrative duties. The supreme governing body is located in Israel. The faith started in Iran. Bahai’s believe God has sent messengers at different times to deliver his messages to the world. One theory was that Jacob was kidnapped by them and taken out of the country to be groomed as a leader. They thought he knew the kidnapper. There was only one set of footprints on the road and they were Jacob’s. That would mean the person who took him was a signficant distance away, not dragging or carrying him. It appears Jacob went willingly. Strangers had gone into the Wetterling home over the years.

 

The sheriff told Patty early on that she could not tire.

 

Daughter Amy went to college where no one knew her and she could blend in. Patty finally cleaned Jacob’s room and saw his name in cursive on the closet wall. She placed her hand on his signature and could almost feel his pulse. Aaron stayed close to the family.

 

Patty testifed with John Walsh in a House committee. They were urging the FBI to provide immediate assistant to police departments in child abductions.  Walsh pushed for a capital crime even in states without the death penalty. Patty did not support the death penalty. Walsh used words like predator and monster, but Patty said they are typically living in the neighborhood and attend community churches. They could be a coach, teacher, brother or uncle. Some Minnesota lawmakers argued that public notification was an infringement on a person’s right to privacy. She also became acquainted with Marc Klaas.

 

Patty was a torchbearer in the 1996 Olympics, running one kilometer across an 84-day, 42-state journey to Atlanta. The flame never goes out and it helped her feel Jacob’s spirit. The three and a half pound torch had power. She felt connected to it. Like she was carrying the message of child safety, to protect it from the elements and transfer it to the next amazing human being to carry, preserve and pass on. She gave a commencement speech. Five years earlier, two 14 year olds in Jacob’s class had been struck by a car and killed. Another was in a fatal accident the same year. A police officer had been killed in the line of duty. Two months before, another student was in a car accident and the parents were going to speak as well. The principal said the school felt like a morgue at times. No smiles and no chatter about future plans. They had braved it together. Each had a white ribbon pinned to his gown in honor of Jacob. The choir sang Jacob’s Hope.  Jon’s parents said he would want all of them to succeed and go after their dreams. Patty said she watched them grow up because they couldn’t watch Jacob. You deserve to be proud, she told them. The mascot was an eagle. She thought of Jacob if she saw one. She wondered what position he would have played on the football field. What girl he would have asked to prom. What college he would have selected. They went through one agonizing milestone to the next.

 

In 1989, there were 100 organizations across the country that advocated for missing children. Most didn’t get along with each other. There was competition over funding.

 

Trevor was homecoming king, played wide receiver and went to St. Cloud State University.

 

By the end of 1998, Patty spent 105 days traveling, making presentations in 16 states and two countries. She was hired as a speaker for Fox Valley Technical College which received grants from the National Criminal Justice Training Center. She and another missing mother agreed a handbook was needed for when a child goes missing—with resources and heartfelt advice. She also began, through a grant, parent to parent mentoring. There was a toll-free number.

 

She wrote another letter published on the ninth anniversary. Jacob had his grandpa’s middle name. You were once an 11-year-old boy. Someone’s son and brother. Do you also love peanut butter? Did you sneeze when you looked at the sun?  Did you play jokes on April Fool’s?  Please talk to me. She was so hopeful the perpetrator would call that she kept a notebook by the phone with a list of questions. There was a flurry of new tips, nothing from him.

 

Carmen went to the University of Wisconsin. Amy got her criminal justice degree. She met her husband Chris at a fundraiser for Jacob held near his birthday. The Vikings head coach had the same birthday and graciously served as honorary chair for several years. When they married, they had a kind note for Jacob in the wedding program. One of Jacob’s friends designed her own major, Child Abduction Prevention, at St. Olaf.

 

Patty’s mom, who seldom took center stage, stepped up to home plate at the HHH Metrodome and urged 15,000 Twins fans to talk to kids about safety. Patty unveiled the AMBER alert in Minnesota. The system would be tested twice a year, once on the day of his abduction. The other on National Missing Children’s Day on May 25.

 

There had been 30,000 leads in 12.5 years. The Boston Globe’s investigation of clergy sexual abuse came out and people wondered if a monk or priest did something to Jacob. Patty thought it far-fetched because why go to a dead-end road when they had access at church and schools and camps. There were two clergy who had visited their home to offer support. Their names were on the list. One had hosted the first community prayer service. The other invited kids to his house for movie night.

 

Barbi struggled with alcoholism. Every year she sent a dozen roses on Jacob’s birthday—11 in a bright color and one white for hope. She took care of Patty for six weeks. Wear this. Comb your hair. Talk to this person. Eat. When their mother passed, Patty begged for her to let her know if she saw Jacob in heaven. She would miss her mother’s calm, kind and gentle spirit.

 

The 13^th anniversary had another article. Patty tried to find Jacob, protected kids, educated parents, changed laws and supported other families. She noticed a kid in a car while the parent was in a liquor store. They would never leave a $50 bill on the seat with the windows down and car running. She left one of Jacob’s missing flyers on his seat. She was aware of another story where a man knocked on a car window and told them their parents wanted them to come inside. He took one of them for 10 months. At one of the organizations, the office administrator’s 10-year-old son had been abducted by the ex-husband. He was recovered after eight months.

 

At one organization, bills were not being paid and Patty was blamed. She was fired by close colleagues even though she founded it. She was sabotaged.

 

They went through three sheriffs during the ordeal and learned factors you should know. Keep the story alive in the media. People need to come forward who witness a situation that doesn’t feel right. Make sure police respond quickly to tips.

 

In another letter, Jacob’s kindergarten teacher had said 28 students called and wanted to say thank you to Patty for keeping them safe. The teacher said she was just doing her little part and thanked Patty for doing the big part.

 

Patty was approached to be a candidate for Congress because she had run two federal programs, applied for federal grants and helped change federal law. Some felt she would be too nice. She sought out people who were experts for counsel and advice. She had 91 percent name recognition in her district.  She got to speak at the Democratic National Convention in 2004. Jerry could not campaign because of his religious beliefs. She considered herself a centrist. She got criticized for not having a gun permit or a fishing license. But she did and someone even called a resort they went to frequently to ask. How would this make her a better Congresswoman? She did not believe the federal government should decide abortion. She didn’t think there was a blanket decision to cover personal situations and was advised to avoid the topic.  Staff forgot to block off her calendar on the week of her daughter’s wedding, which I find insane, so she had to cancel a debate. (An eagle circled over Trevor’s wedding). The opponent would not accept five alternative dates and criticized her for canceling. She was glad to see her daughter get married; they had experienced fear and sadness, hope and heartbreak, unwanted publicity, horrifying leads and people they knew being investigated. Patty cast her vote on her 65^th birthday. She recalled being the scared kindergartener when she lost her dad. The happy second grader when her mom remarried. A proud big sister. The soda jerk, cheerleader, college student, teacher, wife, mom and victim of a terrible crime. In five months her team set up an office with 17 staffers and hundreds of volunteers. They raised $2 million and the race brought the President there. She didn’t promise more than she could deliver, did not lie and hadn’t sacrificed integrity. She focused on taxes, small business, labor unions, farming, jobs, education, the economy, government spending and all inner workings of a campaign, like cramming for finals. She lost, 46 percent. It was the most expensive congressional race in Minnesota history. Her opponent was going to run for Senate. She felt she would beat him in a statewide race because Minnesotans tend to be more liberal than those in her Sixth District. She competed against Amy Klobuchar and Ford Bell, the president of the Minneapolis Heart Institute Foundation. She ended up withdrawing; she liked Klobuchar. She was encouraged to run for House again. One candidate was Michele Bachmann. Rep. Mark Foley, an advocate for child safety, resigned after allegations arose that he sent sexually explicit emails and instant messages to pages. She had worked with him on  preventing predatory behavior. Other leaders knew he did this for a year! These kids as pages were vulnerable and far from home. Patty gave the Democratic response to George W. Bush’s weekly radio address after the scandal. She was accused by her opponent as rushing to judgment and exploiting the situation for political gain. This was her life’s work! Bachman won this time.

 

Then Patty got a call that the director of the sexual violence prevention program at the Department of Health was leaving. The office was in the Golden Rule Building. The number of children and adults sexually assaulted in 2005 in the state could fill the Metrodome—60,000 in one year. She produced a five-year plan to protect them. The daily commute was 180 miles.

 

Twenty years came and went. Two key people gave the Wetterling’s strength. Vern Iverson who coordinated the media response and Grammer’s song called “Listen.” They planned a concert with proceeds going to the Boys and Girls Club and the Jacob Wetterling Resource Center. There came a regional outage and power came back on 20 minutes before the show was supposed to start. There could be no light or sound checks. During the concert, Patty read from a book she had written for her three grandchildren, one named Jake for Jacob. Family photos flashed. When you see a rainbow, when you blow out a candle and make a wish, or tell a funny joke…When you hug your best friend, or your little sister, and when you to go to sleep at night…You can know that Jacob is smiling inside your heart. We call that special place in your heart Jacob’s Hope. Media did the annual shaking of the tree, as she called it. The Minneapolis Star-Tribune featured Aaron in a cover story, “Gone 20 Years But With Him Every Day.” The what ifs included what if the moon had been full and they could have spotted the man earlier, what if the man took Aaron instead of Jacob? Barbi had told Patty she believed Jacob’s body was buried.

 

Patty finally spoke with a neighbor. He had seen a car that night. He thinks the person did a test run.

 

Patty had a dream that she was pushing Jacob in a wheelchair and he asked here when she got so old. She became a grandma of twins. Double everything with half the sleep, she said.

 

She wanted her speeches to leave people empowered and committed to a safer world. A second grader once wrote: Jacob will be fine, If he isn’t all right, you will see him in heaven. Or my dog died. Jacob can play with him. She met someone named Joy, a blogger, after a speech. She had been writing about Jacob. There was talk of a work van with no windows. Patty thinks of him every time she sees one.  Joy had even looked up the weather report and found the moon hadn’t risen until midnight on that date, so 9 p.m. would be totally dark.

 

Patty got an envelope about someone assuming Jacob’s identity. The dude got driver’s licenses in three states, rented a P.O. Box and car dealers let him go for test drives without a deposit. He drove to Mexico to sell them. He was caught when he applied for a passport. He needed a birth certificate and pretended to be Jacob’s father and Jacob. The clerk knew his missing story, however. Patty could not believe someone used this for personal gain and called it cruelty among the lowest she’d seen. Joy had known about it from a San Francisco media story. The family didn’t.

Joy believed Jared and Jacob’s abductor were the same person--voice, authoritative manner, threat of a gun and similar commands. “Run and don’t look back, or I’ll shoot.” Among the other boys, one said the mask was like indoor-outdoor candy-striped carpeting. He was about 5’ 11” and not chunky. A baseball cap had been left at one scene and was misplaced. It was later found and sent to the DNA lab. Clothing of Jacob’s was sent as DNA technology improved—a snowmobile suit, sweatshirt and T-shirt were tested periodically.

 

The cities of Paynesville, Cold Spring and St. Joseph were in the same county.

 

Patty had been on The 700 Club, Joan Rivers, Phil Donahue, Maury Povich, John Walsh’s The Hunt and Nancy Grace. In Reader’s Digest, People, Good Housekeeping and O. They reached out to truckers’ magazines and flea market publications. Joy’s blog was a new thing. They learned stories of Duane Hart about drug running, arson and bar fights. He had a makeshift camp. He lured boys to swim and fish. Then he molested them. He bribed them with drugs and alcohol. He had a car, Joy said. He was arrested.

 

A huge missing persons summit included federal law officials, forensic scientists, medical and mental health professionals, survivors and victim advocates. Their own sheriff did not attend after many invitations.  The summit was inspired by the recoveries of Elizabeth Smart, Jaycee Dugard and Gina DeJesus. Missing children are traumatized, terrified and constantly told that they or their loved ones would be killed if they tried to escape. Joy’s blog visits grew from 100 a day to 30,000. A recurring theme was look into Delbert and Tim Huber. Delbert killed a teacher. Son Tim helped him cover it up. Delbert resembled a sketch. Delbert died in prison in 2014. If he had knowledge, it was taken to the grave.  There had been a body found in the Mississippi, bones in the woods in Northern Minnesota, a Milwaukee barber who had kept haunting journals and one of Jacob’s missing posters, he was “seen” in a mental hospital in London and in Amsterdam.  Joy made a spreadsheet of tips, prioritized from most important to least and sorted them by suspect. Then the blog generated 69 tips.

 

ANCMEC found 56 children who were recovered after more than 20 years.

 

The saddest I got was when Patty said they had an age-progressed photo of Jacob at 35. Along with the fifth-grade one. I actually gasped.

 

She put together a list of 25 ways to build hope in children:

Help me build a fort, stop at my lemonade stand, read to me, listen without distractions, join me in finding animal shapes in clouds, model kindness, create art, teach me empathy, put an encouraging note in my lunch, do something with me to make our block more beautiful, sing to me, remind me to share, be a voice for youth, celebrate differences, dance with me, teach me something new, help me create snow angels, tell me campfire stories over S’mores, take technology breaks, ask me my opinion, create a scavenger hunt, volunteer somewhere together, put together a neighborhood event, take me on a bike ride, talk to me about online and body safety.

 

The tree planted at Jacob’s school was now 30 feet tall, once the height of a six-grader. The Law Enforcement Center had a Jacob Wetterling Conference Center. People were still asked to call in tips. From 2009 to 2013, more than 160 kids who were missing between 11 and 20 years were found. Forty-two who had been missing more than 20 years were found. Patty clipped articles, saved and studied them. On the 25^th anniversary, friends came by with a white rose and baby’s breath from former neighbors, as they had done all prior years. A Lakota friend did a smudging and prayer. Patty lit candles and played songs that reminded her of her son. Listen, Jacob’s Hope and Somewhere Out There. Joy and Jared helped her feel stronger. The four were a force—energized, empowered, determined, undeterred and undaunted.

 

Patty retired in 2015. Her life had been all about leads, sightings, media, speaking, travel, prioritizing, response modes, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  At 65, she became a landlord.

 

Finally Danny Heinrich became a match to the DNA. There was a sword collection photo from his home. In a home video, there was a handgun in a safe, black like the one Trevor and Aaron described. It was not in the safe now. There were 19 binders of child porn. A sneaker transposed on the mold of his footprint. The tire matched. The arrest charge would be on federal charges of child porn. It was surreal and terrifying. It wasn’t a priest, monk, railroad guy, junkyard guy or  campground guy. It wasn’t Duane Hart. The Wetterlings had a plan to go to Colorado for Halloween to see grandchilden and still did. The principal at Amy’s school allowed her off and Carmen’s supervisor did the same.  Before Jacob was kidnapped, parents let their kids trick-or-treat. That went away in 1989. It was replaced by parties or the mall. Reporters who weren’t even born yet lined the Wetterling drive when they returned. An article came out with victims, one anonymous, these men being silenced and voiceless for almost 30 years. Joy wanted a healing gathering, but it was called a community information session. Media were banned from the questions and answers session. They planned it for Nov. 30 and the roads were impassable. It was postponed until Dec. 6 and held anyway after much fog and freezing rain. The Strib reporters asked about vehicles, party spots and anything about Heinrich.

 

The trial was like being dropped onto another planet.

 

Jared did not have money for an attorney, but a reporter tried to help. A civil case could provide the opportunity to subpoena people and have them testify under oath. Jared had a divorce, lost opportunities for promotion and had recent unemployment due to anxiety and stress. He said there was not a day that went by where he didn’t think about that guy who harmed him and he wanted him to pay for taking away his childhood.

 

They found Jacob’s jacket on a farm where a couple was raising five children and leading innocent lives. Porch lights were on for Jacob. Light posts had white ribbons. Newspapers were sold out.  Our Hearts Are Broke, read the headline.  The first four pages had the discovery of his remains, the timeline and the reaction of local residents. Their grandchild is 11, the same age as the missing Jacob. This also saddened me.

 

Patty wanted to know what brought Heinrich to St. Joseph, how did he come across the boys, why them, why that road, what happened, why didn’t he let Jacob go? The sheriff said he was just out searching for a young boy to molest, drove until he had an opportunity, got out and waited. What did I do wrong? Jacob asked. He told him to take his clothes off, then he molested him. Jacob was cold and Heinrich told him he could get dressed. Can I go home now? He said he could not. He saw a police car go by with lights on and told Jacob he had to pee and made him turn around. He raised a gun to his head. It clicked but did not go off. Again, but Jacob did not fall. Next time he fell.  He walked to a gravel pit to bury him. He brought a shovel, but decided it would take too long. He walked by a construction company and saw a Bobcat. He knew where they hid the key. He dug the hole and put Jacob in, threw his jacket on top of him and covered him up. About a year later, he went back and caught a glimpse of something red. He had been pulled up to the surface by growing brush. He went back that night and dug him up. Then he put the remains in a garbage bag, carried him across the highway to that rural farm property and buried him under a grove of trees. Patty’s firstborn son who she hugged through a million owies, illnesses, cuddles and rocking, wasn’t there she he needed her. When asked what people could do, Patty said say a prayer, light a candle, be with friends, play with their children, giggle and hold hands. Eat ice cream, suggested another. Create joy. Help your neighbor. She wondered what Jacob would want her to wear for the memorial. She pulled out black and then turquoise. Blue was Jacob’s favorite color. 

 

In the courtroom, Patty stated:  Jacob, I got old the day you were taken from us. I may be 66 now, but as of today, I’m officially 26 years, eight months and six days old. Jacob was alive until we found him. She told the media they needed to heal, and would then speak to them. I found that odd because they had helped her so much. There were a lot of lessons learned. Coping, Processing. Remembering. Mourning. Screaming in agony. He had empty words in court. He had no spirit, no regret. He was just cold, pathetic and hollow.  She was depleted.

 

Danny added heads of classmates from junior high yearbooks to the bodies of naked children he found on the internet.  Patty’s momgut reeled with pain. She learned Jacob was handcuffed.

 

They came up with 11 traits on how he lived his life. Fair, kind, understanding, honest, thankful, good sport, good friend, joyful, generous, gentle with others, positive. A hockey team came up with #11for Jacob, his soccer number. Kids used duct tape on the backs of their shirts. A volleyball team wrote the traits on their arms. A football team walked on the field carrying a No. 11 jersey. Some formed the 11 in their gym and took a photo from overhead. A police department put 11 on their hands. Federal legislators stood in front of the U.S. Capitol holding a sign of the 11 traits. The Twins and Indians played, both wearing patches and the Twins wore special red jerseys that were auctioned for the foundation. They became an unofficial logo.  The Vikings invited the family to a game. They encouraged fans to donate $11 via text. The Minnesota Wild gave a tribute and a $11,000 check. During the program, they took turns turning jerseys with each trait. A bridge in downtown Minneapolis was lit blue. The Ordway Theater displayed a lighted 11. The Guthrie Theater did, too. A couple from St. Joseph paid to have mile markers installed along a 12-mile stretch of the Lake Wobegon Trail, each displaying a trait. Kennedy Elementary retired Jacob’s number and hung it in the cafeteria. On Twitter, a woman shared a note on her windshield. Have a cup of coffee on me, #11for Jacob. It included a gift card. A man who pumped their septic tank charged $11.11. Through people who cared, a flicker of hope was always brought back to the light. Patty writes another letter. We are around the same table where he had dinner, played cards and did crafts. I had to steel myself to do whatever it would to bring you home. Sometimes she wrote on a notebook in her purse, random scrap of paper, journal, cocktail napkin or laptop. It calmed her soul and eased her heart. She recalled memories of a lemonade stand and garage sale to help Ethiopian children. They played “We Are the World,” did skits and made homemade Christmas gifts. Now everything was Before and After. A soldier in Desert Storm carried Jacob’s picture. She tells him what friends are doing. Team HOPE has 500 volunteers and reached out to more than 102,000 people. Jacob had introduced them to survivors and challenges and successes. They had planned next steps, dug deeper and pressured investigators.

 

Jared won his civil lawsuit but won’t see the $17 million.

 

Everything mattered. Every call, piece of evidence, interview, search. Patty was grateful for people who didn’t even know the family. They strengthened her resolve and she didn’t crawl into a shell. She felt like a little kid lost in the forest. Blogger Joy thanked those who told her to take the leap and the net will appear. It was hope and a prayer that carried the Wetterlings. Patty learned not to let the worst things define her. She believes in the power of good people pulling together. Jacob taught her to do good things, work to correct wrongs and fight for a world that is more caring.

 

BINGO

 

I received a bingo game as a child. I still have it 50 years later. It's a rectangular box with holes in it; you shake it and the numbers come out. After we started playing a lot, my in-laws gave me a new, more sophisticated version. You turn the handle and release a number. I prefer the old one for sentimental reasons. I also have Pokeno, which is like bingo with playing cards.

 

We started playing bingo on every holiday once my mother started residing in assisted living. She loved it. We thought it helped keep her mind sharp. They would give her a coupon every time she won and she could trade it for prizes once a month. When we cleaned out her drawers upon her death, there were hundreds of them. Sadly, that year's Christmas gift that she didn't get to open was a bingo ornament I had created with her name on it.

 

When we play, winners get prizes I’ve collected but the winners usually make fun ot. There are the usual calendars, pens, T-shirts. Barrow contributes.

 

We have a rotating black unicorn pen holder. When one of our friends won it the first time, he didn't take it home, but put it on my mirror on my car. It's been to Baltimore and back. The winner keeps it for a little while and returns it.

 

I gave the idea for Black Tie Bingo, a fundraiser, to my friend at Goodwill Industries. I was taking a non-profit certificate course at LSU Shreveport and a girl helping conduct the class mentioned this was a fundraising event done in another state. I researched it. It's in its sixth year and has raised I’m guessing $30,000 to $40.000 per year. I was a celebrity caller last year. My bio said Mary Ann Van Osdell is a huge bingo fan, playing at her home with her family every holiday and collecting prizes all year. She is the legislative assistant to Sen. Barrow Peacock and has been society contributor for The Forum News for the past six years. She was a reporter and automotive columnist for The Times for 14 years. She has a B.A. in Journalism from LSU in Baton Rouge and is a huge Tigers football fan. She has been queen of the Mardi Gras Krewe of Aesclepius and president of Keep Bossier Beautiful and served on numerous publicity committees for non-profits. She has a self-published motivational book called “Hands Pointed UP.”

Themes have been black and white and green and Paris. I wanted one caller to do it in French. One of my favorite pictures was taken with a large cookie with bingo numbers. 

My dream is for the New Orleans Bingo Show Band to perform at that event. I'd also like for them to try reverse bingo, where if you are the last to go out, you win a prize.

 

There is an app created by an LSU graduate called Big Church Bingo. I have it. I wish I had thought of it.

 

Other types of bingo that can be incorporated that I've seen in publications includes Super Bowl bingo, Bachelor show, Obama State of the Union buzzwords, Latin, agriculture, Wizard of Oz, the royal wedding, various TV shows, White Person bingo.

 

I've called bingo at a Realtor fundraiser and at Remember in Shreveport When and at the church picnic. I got recognized for it. I created customized cards for RISW with famous Shreveport landmarks or history.

 

There are plenty of patterns that can be used besides straight bingo. You can create letters: CEFNOTUXY. And many diagrams: cake, pyramid, arrow, railroad tracks, cross, kite, bowtie, tic tac toe, champagne glass, paw, hammer head, frame, ladder, triangle.

 

I have a funny fact on almost every number to be creative rather than just saying the number.

 

I mentioned to the State Fair of Louisiana about doing cow pie bingo. There is a diagram on the field and where the first cow plops creates the winner, who has a corresponding ticket to that number.

 

Others to research: Bachelorette party bingo, road trip bingo, speed bingo, grocery bingo for college students, Christmas bingo.

 

I've read where 911 operators play bingo with types of incident calls.

 

I have a funny bingo comic strip.

A lady googled someone to call bingo at the hall for charity every Monday night from 5 to 9. It paid $10 an hour. I tried it once.

I hated it. It was hectic and chaotic and I did not get trained before it started. There is so much to keep up with. Cards to put in to show the shape of the bingo, putting the ball under a camera, setting a beeper to know how many seconds between calling numbers, what to say when you begin and end and verifying the bingo with a number and a computer. And I still have no idea what those extra cards were they were selling. There is some special calling with that. The guy training me did most everything. I should have had quiet time with him before it started, did not. I thought it would be fun, but it was stressful. They want me to come back, but I don’t want to. People spent hundreds of dollars to be there.

What are the Odds?

 

You see your ex-boyfriend’s daughter on a plane leaving New York City when you both live in different Louisiana cities and haven’t spoken in a while.

You sit in front of someone in a Broadway theater who starts talking and knows your co-worker in Baton Rouge.

Your father-in-law’s room in a nine-story hospital is the same one your father was in the night he died three years before.

You see the doctor who saved your life by removing your ruptured appendix in an elevator at a hospital where your niece just had her appendix removed 22 years later.

You walk into Tiger Stadium, which holds 92,000 people, and the first thing you see is a classmate from 31 years ago.

You mention to a college friend that you saw the B-52s when they performed at the TODAY Show and she said she was there and you find each other in pictures when you didn’t know each other.

Weird Occurrence: David said he was leaving the hospital and a little lady, probably 90, was having trouble balancing. She asked to take his hand. He walked her to the car. She said she had macular degeneration. Mrs. T. had that. He walked off and she said to him, “Say bye, Betty.” He kept walking because he thought she needed to concentrate. Betty is Mrs. T’s name.

When seeking a sign that running for office was the right decision, I was at Academy buying shirts to monogram the Republican seal and my name, I checked out and gave my debit card. The woman said, “Look what my name is.” It said Mary. I said, “What’s your middle name?” Wait for it...Louise.

I Am A Money Magnet

 

I am a money magnet. I like money and money likes me. I attract money. I attract money 24 hours a day. I earn bountiful amounts of money. I wisely know how to create money. I know that I will always have more money in my future than I do now. The money I create keeps multiplying, duplicating and replenishing itself. I am forever enjoying more and more money. I have infinite money, more than enough for my every want and need. I cheerfully save money. I faithfully save 10 percent of all the money I earn. I wisely invest my money. I see my money re-creating itself effortlessly. I cheerfully give money to good and worthy causes and philanthropies that make a lasting and ongoing difference. Money rushes to me in every form and fashion. I have lots and lots of money. I have money in my mind, my future, in my pocket, in my wallet, in my safe, in my bank accounts, in my business, in my investments, and wherever it keeps growing. I enjoy money and money enjoys me. Money and all its equivalents are attracted to me. Money is forever making me infinitely better off. All that I do creates surplus, abundance and plenty for myself and everyone else. (I live in Moneyville). The One Minute Millionaire

Found 2012 Grief Column

 I collect quotes all year from people who are grieving. I do it to continue this column, which I've written annually since 2005.

 

My intent is to help the grieving during the holidays and those who are friends with them. This year, I especially wish people in Newtown, Conn. could read it.

 

A song by Lee Brice that came out just in the nick of time called "I Drive Your Truck" shows how one brother coped with loss. Lyrics say he has cussed, prayed, said goodbye and asked God why. But driving his brother's truck seems to help.

 

Madonna Badger, who lost her children and parents in a fire last Christmas Day in Connecticut, says her grieving has been like a raw nerve being exposed. She has felt guilty if she smiled. After much counseling, she's decided to spend this Christmas helping orphans overseas.

 

Helping others seems to be the theme of this year's grief collection.

 

Christine Quinn, who wants to be mayor of New York City, lost her mom at 16.  The loss still stings and drives her. She doesn't want to waste a minute of opportunity. If you have the ability, use it well, she says. To get things done.

 

Notre Dame's Heisman Trophy finalist Manti Te'o lost his grandmother and girlfriend hours apart. Though hard, Te'o didn't miss practice that week, opting for his daily routine. He had 12 tackles and broke up two passes in the win against Michigan State. "At that time he may have been a little weak inside, but he never showed it out," said one of his teammates. "He stayed strong. Watching him kept us going strong."

 

Such is true of a local girl who lost her fiancee in a plane crash this year. She is determined to be better for the tragedy and inspire people. She said she doesn't want to crumble and hold herself in a dark corner. She wants to give and touch others.

 

Football star Warrick Dunn has started Betty's Hope, a mobile children's bereavement program in Baton Rouge. Moved by the outpouring of support following his police officer mother's death, Dunn vowed to one day give back.

 

Lisa Swayze said she initially felt worthless, sniveling, incapable, weak and ineffective, but managed to write a book about her husband, Patrick, by digging her nails in and crawling out of bed. The good parts made her realize what she was missing, but the worst things were made constructive in doing so. She said the process didn't create any more pain or tears than she already had.

 

Vicki Kennedy still gets upset when a note in Sen. Teddy Kennedy's handwriting slips out of a book or someone mentions how her husband affected their life. It's still hard to look at the direction of his desk in the Senate when she visits.

 

You don't forget; you learn to handle it better, said Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton, exonerated recently when it was ruled that her baby was indeed killed by a dingo.

 

Vice President Joe Biden told those attending a convention for the grieving that their lives will get better and a smile will eventually come before a tear. His message was you can shed tears that your loved one is gone or you can smile because he has lived.

 

Grieving has been described as riding an exercise bike, pedaling and getting nowhere. Don't lose hope while spinning your wheels. Keep on and you will find the right direction.

 

There is no way out of death; you can only move forward. So give time time.

 

Pain won’t evaporate, but it will soften during the healing process. You may initially zig and zag, but every stagger will make you stronger and your life will become manageable.

 

You may wonder if you spent enough time with your loved one and expressed enough gratitude or love. How you react depends on your relationship with the deceased, how prepared you were, the support you have and your own health.

 

Hopefully, others will show gestures of love and not be insensitive in your time of need. Avoid those who skirt conversation, act like grief is contagious or say, "Don’t take it so hard, you’re upsetting people."

 

Talk about your feelings with someone who has been through grieving, not a "fixer-upper" friend or relative.

 

You will lose your support system shortly after the funeral; hopefully friends will send not just a card but themselves to you when your heart is heavy, your routine feels foreign and you may be struggling with becoming the family patriarch/matriarch.

 

You can find comfort in talking to a minister. Let Jesus fill the empty space. Read 2 Corinthians 5:8, Revelation 21:1-4 and Psalm 34:18.

 

Though a line from “Desperate Housewives,” it has stayed with me. "Death doesn't just take. It gives." It teaches us what is important.

 

What can you do? Help a neighbor, fight for a cause, champion compassion. Delight, encourage, lift spirits. Live your own dash!

Maxwell's 16 Undeniable Laws of Communication is TOPS, a 10+

 

“The 16 Undeniable Laws of Communication” by John Maxwell should be a required college communications or speech textbook. He has spoken 13,000 times. He’s won awards, been to the Oval, had his photo six stories high on a building to promote a speech. He has spoken on the beach, in a leper colony, at the top of Mount Miguel and the dungeon where Jesus was held in Jerusalem before crucifixion. Also on an aircraft carrier and a boat in a pond in India and on a plane at the Mayan ruins. Of course, stadiums and small studios. He has signed nearly a million books over 40 years of writing.

He says: be competent. Believe in yourself. Confident but not arrogant. What do you want the people to see, know, feel, do? Practice determines the level of play, just like John Wooden said. Everyone has a change the world speech in them.  A transformational leader says things others do not say. Live the message. Speeches have to touch heart, help, make people laugh and inspire hope.

I love his system of reading books. On the inside cover he puts the page number and the quote he wants to save for future notes and speeches. He has staff that can transcribe and file that. He never stops looking for information and doesn’t waste time finding it. He will say his current book is his best when asked because he is constantly learning and growing.

If content is king, then communication is queen. They rule together and cannot be separated.  What value does content have if it’s not communicated to anyone? We hear thousands of messages a day.  When preparing, think about what is on your puzzle box top?  Include all the pieces. Extra ones detract and confuse.

He has eight subjects he knows well. Communication, leadership, equipping, attitude, relationships, success, significance and faith. Five things he knows about people: everybody wants to be somebody, nobody was created to be a nobody, everybody can help anybody become somebody, anybody who helps somebody becomes a somebody, God loves everybody and makes each of us somebody.

Create runways in your speech. If it can’t take off, it never flies with the audience. If you can’t land it, then it will crash at the end. Good takeoffs include a question (audience must know the answer though), quote, prediction, current event, historical reference, promise of improvement, heart connection and an appeal to audience self-interest. He puts four of these in the first five minutes. You can run out of fuel and you can have touch and goes. A transition is like a trapeze because it moves slowly from one idea to another to grab the next idea.  In 45 minutes, he navigates four to six of these. You can use facial expressions, change rhythm and stand up and sit down.

His dad required him to add value to someone and give a report at dinner once when he was grounded. You are not the main attraction. Your goal should be to close the distance between you and the audience. You want your words to be portable, remembered and repeated. His company says that we are people of value who value people and add value to people. Make people feel warm and comfortable, accepted, noticed, important and special. Warmth creates connection. He said values are his foundation. He stands on them and stands up for them. At the venue, he will sit in a seat someone in the audience will occupy to get the feel before starting.

In the Experience Economy, there is a process based on whether people absorb experiences passively or actively. Once the brain learns that nothing calamitous happens at the mic, it stops signaling to the body to take flight.

The four experience realms are entertainment (reading a book – passive), educational (engaged in mind and body—a classroom or learning soccer), escapist (immersive and active—theme parks, casinos, computer games), and esthetic (immersive but passive, leaving a physical effect on their environment like the Grand Canyon or an art exhibit. To be there). The richest experiences encompass all four. That’s the sweet spot.

Maxwell failed once and still cringes. He’s had diarrhea during a speech (assigned an activity). Being in the zone is important. His top five strengths are strategic, maximizer, woo, activator and achiever. You want the audience to see their possibilities, feel empowered, apply and multiply. To act. His five skills are communication, leadership, equipping, attitude and relationships.

Anticipation is one of his favorite words. His anticipation faucet is always in the on position. Be a fountain, not a drain. You have experienced this: birthdays, first dates, vacations, Christmas. You can name famous fountains--Trevi. Crown. Banpo Rainbow. Jet d’Eau. Magic. People’s Friendship. King Fahd. I looked up their images. You can’t name any famous drains because there are none!

If you want to communicate at the highest level, your language needs to be on the bottom shelf where it’s accessible to everyone. Winston Churchill said that. The Lord’s Prayer contains only 56 words. Gettysburg, 268. 1,322 in the Declaration of Independence. President Washington’s inaugural was 135. The Challenger speech was only 650. You can find the top best speeches at www.americanrhetoric.com.  Even movie and 9/11 speeches. Learning this alone is worth the price I spent for five books. You can read and watch them.

There is a reason all TED Talks are asked to be 18 minutes or fewer. If you’ve got a thought that’s happy, boil it down. Make it short and crisp and snappy--boil it down. Take out every surplus letter; the fewer syllables the better. Skim it well, then skim the skimmings. Listening to great communication should be like having a great dining experience. Great chefs use only the best ingredients and they concentrate their flavors. Each element of the dish is distinct. Nothing essential has been left out. Nothing extraneous has been added. Less is more. Clarity is power. Say what’s important over and over again. Say it simply, say it slowly, say it with a smile. Clare Luce said the height of sophistication is simplicity. The Celtics only had seven plays and Bill Russell touches the ball in all of them. The fourth most popular TED is How Great Leaders inspire by Simon Sinek. Inside the Mind of a Master Procrastinator by Tim Urban is third. Do Schools Kill Creativity? by Sir Ken Robinson is top. Need to watch them all.

Maxwell went to a storytelling event. Stories can be sad, happy, funny, sentimental, historical, fictitious and mythical. They have enthusiasm, animation and audience participation. Sing, clap, repeat phrases, mimic gestures. They can be told by memory or immediacy in first person. Every story has a hero, goal, conflict, resolution. Hero is the Little Engine, the goal is to make it over the hill, the conflict is the difficulty of that, the resolution is makes it and delivers toys. In Jack and Jill falling down, the listener likely he has fallen down, so can understand.

Share a story effectively: Show, Help, Amplify, Relate, Enjoy. Remove everything that has no relevance. Playwright Anton Chekhov said if you say in the first chapter there is a rifle on the wall, it must go off in another chapter. Disney’s dream materialized into a mouse that talked, an elephant that flew, a cricket that danced. There’s the story about the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. The next 40, we slave in the sun to support our family. The next 10, we do monkey tricks to entertain grandchildren and the last 10 we sit on the porch and bark at everyone.

He focuses on what he sees, says and shows. He wakes up with anticipation about what he will tell the audience. He says he will share something he never has before. He tells them to look at the person next to them and say they are going to learn something today. It could be life-changing. He’ll say: In a few minutes, I’m going to share a life-changing principle with you. Then works in:  I’m about to give you that principle.  Are you ready to learn the principle? I don’t think you’re ready. You’re almost ready. He talks about Salt Bae as a showman. He uses salt like an artist.

No matter your audience, they want to be engaged. Farmers, parents, entrepreneurs, technicians, voters, artists or students.

One activity is to lay out a difficult situation. The other person says, “All you have to do is…” Maxwell thinks of how people can never un-see things. Have a conversation with them they will recall. Communicate means to impart, share or make common. To connect, we need to establish commonality. Also, to know the road ahead, ask those coming back.

President Woodrow Wilson said we should use all the brains we have and all that we can borrow. Think about the Wisdom of Crowds.  Nobody when asked to write it down guessed the exact weight of a dressed ox at a fair event. There was a statistical analysis of the 787 slips of paper examined and it was 1,198 pounds. The average of all guesses was 1,197. One pound different.

Don’t lose your crowd. You are like a tour guide. You never want your audience to be finished before you are. The moment your audience is finished, you are finished. Make sure they want to know what happens next. What you say can be enduring, meaningful, noteworthy, significant, memorable. While free speech is guaranteed, listeners are not.

Feedback is important. It shows how others see him and helps remove blind spots. Maxwell values his team. They help him learn, adjust and improve.

Initially a theologian, he said Jesus valued everyone--people not valued by others. The cheating tax collector, the woman caught in adultery, outcasts, the thief next to him on the cross. Jesus wrote them into his story.

Millennials commit once they feel understood. They want a purpose. They want coaches. They want ongoing conversations. Maxwell assumes every person is a 10 when he meets him.

Don’t let anyone be like Charlie Brown, beaten down by Lucy. She called him a foul ball in the line drive of life. The shadow of his own goal posts. A miscue. Three putts on the 18^th green. A 7-10 split in the last frame. A love set. She told him he dropped a rod and reel in the lake of life, was a missed free throw and a third strike.

I googled this story he mentioned. Chuck Swindoll said nobody is an island. Nobody is a whole chain. Each one is a link. But take away one link and the chain is broken. Nobody is a whole team. Each one is a player. But take away one player and the game is forfeited. Nobody is a whole orchestra. Each one is a musician. But take away one musician and the symphony is incomplete. Nobody is a whole play. Each one is an actor. But take away one actor and the performance suffers. Nobody is a whole hospital. Each one is a part of the staff. But take away one person and it isn't long before the patient can tell. Cars are composed of numerous parts. Each one is connected to and dependent upon the other. Even if a tiny screw comes loose and falls out of the carburetor, it can bring the whole vehicle to a stop. We need each other. You need someone and someone needs you. Isolated islands we're not. To make this thing called life work, we gotta lean and support. And relate and respond. And give and take. And confess and forgive. And reach out and embrace. And release and rely. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality. Because each one of us is worth it. Even when we don't act like it or feel like it or deserve it. Since none of us is a whole, independent, self-sufficient, super capable, all-powerful hotshot, let's quit acting like we are. Life's lonely enough without our playing that silly role. The game's over. Let's link up.

You have to get over yourself and give yourself to the audience.

Another google: in a fable mentioned, animals organized a school to help their children deal with the problems of the new world. And to make it easier to administer the curriculum of running, climbing, swimming and flying, they decided that all their children would take all the subjects. This produced some interesting issues. The duck was excellent in swimming but relatively poor in running, so he devoted himself to improving his running through extra practice. Eventually, his webbed feet got so badly worn that he dropped to only average in swimming. But average was acceptable in this school so nobody worried about that, except the duck. The rabbit had a nervous breakdown because the other animals said she looked like a rat when she jumped in the water for swimming class and all her hair got matted down. In the climbing class, the eagle beat all the others to the top of the tree, but kept insisting on using his own method of getting there. This was unacceptable, so the eagle was severely disciplined. And then the fish came home from school and said, “Mom, Dad, I hate school. Swimming is great. Flying is fun if they let me start in the water. But running and climbing? I don’t have any legs; and I can’t breathe out of the water.” The fish’s parents made an appointment for her with the principal who took one look at her progress reports and decreed, “You are so far ahead of the rest of the class in swimming that we’re going to let you skip swimming classes and give you private tutoring in running and climbing.” The fish was last seen heading for Canada to request political asylum. The moral of this story is: Let the fish swim. Let the rabbits run. Let the eagles fly. We don’t want a school of average ducks. Or, play to people’s strengths.

As Maxwell gets older, he wants to be known as available rather than a hard worker, compassionate more than competent, gentle over powerful, thoughtful more than gifted. In a survey, 75 percent of people had more regrets for the actions they had not taken than for the ones they had.

There’s advice for writers: if your words are filled with hope and help, readers will seek out your advice and keep turning the pages.

I liked these lines: We have uphill hopes but downhill habits. The Ritz-Carlton’s founding member said the motto was we are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen.

In “Tipping Point,” there is mention of a Yale professor convincing students to take a tetanus shot. He produced a high fear version and simple information handout. Only 3 percent took the shot. When he included a campus map of the health center, the result was 28 percent. Sometimes you have to put the bridge right in front of people. Show them the first step. Joe Sabah says you don’t have to be great to start. But you do have to start to be great. Tiptoe if you must but take a step, said Naeem Calloway, CEO of Get Out The Box. Dale Carnegie says inaction breeds doubt and fear, while action breeds confidence and courage. If you can get people to take any first step of action, they will begin to experience the power of confidence building in their lives. The greatest success in communication is action. That is the Law of Results. When you speak you want something to happen. Maxwell wants you to know you are amazing and can do it. He is a possibility coordinator. And his fans turn into friends.

Michelle May has the When-Then lie. When something happens then I’ll do, feel, be something different. Overcome that. Examples: when I lose weight, then I'll be happy. When my kids start school, then I'll start exercising. When we go on vacation, I'll have time to reconnect with my partner.

Since the Friday Zoom, here are additional notes: You can't have a possessiveness attitude, a me-attitude. Walk your thought out to the people. He had people read a chapter of his book before publishing to make it better. He has an outer and inner circle. In the Q and A, he was asked who he would like to speak to. He said it depends on the topic. For world history, Doris Kearns Goodwin. For world affairs, Henry Kissinger. For opinions on leaders, Queen Elizabeth because she met so many.
A quote on the handout was "It marks a big step in your development when you come to realize that other people can help you do a better job than you could do alone." Andrew Carnegie
The Art of Collaboration is important! A participant said it's like going from a microscope to a wide-angle lens.