2018 Favorite Tweets TODAY, Whiteblower, Pink Crimes all the way to Game and Funny Shows

TODAY

 

#TodayShow report What do I have to do to get liked by the Pope? Keep hoping and keep praying #ultimatedream #pureelation

 

#TodayShow They speak English in Cabo. @SavannahGuthrie

 

#TodayShow A first impression is a preface of a book.

 

#TodayShow A kid slipping on the ice is not adorable. #SavannahGuthrie

 

#JeffRossen You can buy police uniforms online? Scary.

 

 Whistleblower

 

 A moving van had to haul the stolen stuff.

 

 Taxpayer $$$$ was used like tissue paper.

 

 Hearing he didn't have cancer was worse than having it. Lost teeth due to chemo that was not needed.

 

 6 crowns and 3 root canals at 2?

 

 I turned my kitchen into a war room.

 

 They sent us the haystack, but not the needles.

 

 He is using a pink highlighter.

 

 Saw 70-90 patients a day at 2 minutes each. 8 of 10 got treatments compared to 3 of 10 of others in practice #BurningBuildingWithPeopleInside

 

 Love this guy. Taping documents to his body.

 

 Tough to go up a ladder and slide down.

 

 Anyone who makes you work on the day of your dad’s funeral can go you know where. And you shouldn’t have.

 

Shark Tank

 

I’m not looking for a survivor. I’m looking for a thriver. Nobody had high hopes for me. #MarkCuban

 

#MattHiggins #SharkTank "I invest in people." His mother died on his first day as press secretary of NYC. :(

 

Execution trumps talent.

 

I wish they had said #dillydilly instead of cheers.

 

 Objectified

 

 First clue. Kris only knew Bruce five months before marriage and swore off men two weeks before meeting him.

 

 I need an extra chamber she says of her grandchild.

 

 Farrah's hair was the 4th angel. #JiggleTv #CharliesAngels

 

 Tears put you in contact with that person. I don't even go to Houston. #JaclynSmith I have sentimental ornaments too.

 

 He wants his six kids from three women to make it on their own and find themselves.

 

 Pamela Anderson knew Tommy Lee four days before marriage.

 

 Pamela Anderson wished her babysitter who molested her dead and she died in a graduation car wreck.

 

 Marriage is the first step to divorce. #PitBull

 

 He calls it politricks. #PitBull

 

 #PitBull Sports. Leadership. Arts. Management. Hustle. Approach. Socializing. Solutions. #SLAM Students celebrated more for getting out of jail than degree.

 

 Pit Bull is 90 percent business.

 

 Invest in the business of chiropractic. Everyone looking down.

 

 Someone sent an invoice to Willie Nelson's wife for a baby that was his and not hers.

 

 You become a fan of no.  Tony Robbins KFC story.

 

 They made fun of @IamStevenT lips. He showed them.

 

 Keep it simple. The masses are stupid. Six seconds.

 

  Pink Collar Crimes

 

 10 miscarriages.

 

 Neither one of them wanted to bury the hatchet. They wanted to get a bigger hatchet.

 

 Nothing funny about bank robberies, you kooks.

 

 With what would you buy the pony?

 

 Jackie stole $9 million using paper, scissors and glue.

 

 Why block out groom when you already showed him?

 

 I took my kids to school then robbed a bank. That doesn't make it OK to rob a bank. To feed a family. Bank robber rides off on a BMX.

 

 Why would a dog food company offer a free coupon if you called to say your dog threw up? You would not want it again.

 

 Last Defense

 

 Traumatic amnesia. Drugged with sock. Nah. Who put the sock in the alley?

 

 Did they seriously bring cake to the cemetery? Cancel the party. Would you let your kid attend it?

 

 She wore 10 rings daily.

 

 Did she always sleep downstairs? Or just this night? Little blood on couch.

 

 No indication of knife on floor. Window played in #JonBenet too.

 

 Father and infant upstairs during stabbing. WM dark clothing, cut screen, glass, footprints.

 

 The Note

 

 Don’t attempt to defer love.

 

 We were not allowed to take home clippings from the morgue.

 

 I'm a dry well.

 

 He left in the rain. She left on a bike in the rain.

 

 I can turn his stand ups into a sit down with a baseball bat.

 

Getty/Trust and Crystal Rogers and Pamela Smart

 

#Trust Why pay for shipping oil, refining, gas stations? Own them. #Getty

 

#Trust John Paul Getty’s ear got caught up in Naples during a postal-worker strike.  Did not know this part.

 

#TheDisappearanceofCrystalRogers Stealing a missing person’s sign is a theft?

 

#TheDisappearanceofCrystalRogers If you want to kill somebody in Kentucky, you have a 50 percent chance of getting away with it.

 

#PamelaSmart I don't get how she can wear jewelry in prison.

 

#PamelaSmart The state purchased her dress and had her hair done. Never thought about this cost.

 

#PamelaSmart Can you imagine your school newspaper running a story on its own arrested for murder? #DiscoveryID

 

The Middle and Last Man Standing

 

#TheMiddle Pick a day. Thursday. That's the day we're picking a day to pick a day.

 

#TheMiddle Did grandma really get sick or did you leave her in the woods, too?

 

#TheMiddle You throw out moments like they are beads at #MardiGras

 

#TheMiddle Hit me with the Shirley Temple.

 

#LastManStanding 4 tuxedoes. 4 wives. I’ll wear the Mary Ann.

 

 Timeless

 

 We’re a team. We’re the Beatles. We don’t need Yoko.

 

 You can’t smell history in books @boleycalhoun

 

 This is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

 

 Let them have California.

 

 Sharp Objects and The Sinner

 

 The killer pulled her teeth.

 

 An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Never heard that before.

 

 Hello, cubby.

 

 Really you are just a drunk and a slut.

 

 Brains will get you out of this town.

 

 Let's concentrate on the five-alarm fire.

 

 Good tree, bad apple. Not sure about that.

 

 #TheSinner Romeoing my Juliet.

 

 #TheSinner Tattoo leads to author who leads to storage unit.

 

 Christmas Light Fight

 

 Credit card cute way to start the lights.

 

 16 kids in 18 years.

 

 There is a fire-breathing dragon.

 

 72 trees inside. Even the quilt is lit up.  No cooking! A toiletree!

 

 Santa in an outhouse. She didn't think he pooped.

 

 Run through large gift wrap and lights go on!

 

Pageants

 

#MissUSA2018 The top 3 all start with N.

 

#MissUSA Pick a gown you can walk in.

 

#MissAmerica Nebraska was writing a will at 19?

 

#MissAmerica None of their hair colors in the talking part matches color now.

 

Did anyone else know #MissUniverse was the other day? Missed it. Spain had transgender contestant.

 

Awards Shows

 

#CMTAwards @LukeBryanOnline doesn't make it into the big arena?

 

#CMTAwards I think she is wearing rhinestone pajamas.

 

#ACMAwards Glitter eye shadow must be a thing.

 

#Oscars In Memoriam segment slammed for excluding Adam West, Glen Campbell.

 

#Oscars The correct envelope, please.

 

Ew, butchers lining up to design @ladygaga #Oscar dress

 

#EmmyAwards Who is this atheist?

 

#EmmyAwards There are so many guys who lost with engagement rings in their pockets.

 

#EmmyAwards Can I get some water that’s really vodka?

 

 Jeopardy and Game Shows

 

 @FirstDogHenry is such a cute idea. I’d want that story, too, contestant Daniel.

 

 Township question.  My high-dollar real estate class gave me the answer.

 

 Sworn in on a book. Really?

 

 Cemetery first date weird. Unless it’s Gettysburg or Arlington or Vicksburg.

 

 #Jeopardy needs a disco ball and some Saturday night fever music today. If this guy points up and wiggles, I will lose it.

 

 I’m reading #AccidentalPresident right now. Lend Lease.

 

 Making that plaster of Paris of Greenland in sixth grade just paid off.

 

 #BoomerSooner that scares the hell out of me.

 

 I knew #SingintheRain would be one of the Donalds.

 

 Never thought about women on trial never having a jury of their peers long ago.

 

 The Philippines is >7,000 islands.

 

 I knew delta king of the blues today from watching #Timeless

 

 I did not know Helen Keller founded #ACLU

 

 Pretty freaky to bet 666$.

 

 #JoyceKilmer is a man. Am I stupid? Never realized.

 

 Nobody doesn’t like #SARAlee #weirdgrammar

 

#WheelOfFortune Humpty Dumpty sat on a Wall Street broker. Howling.

 

#WheelOfFortune @TheVannaWhite are you wearing an @IvankaTrump dress like mine?

 

#Pyramid Since when was Lance Armstrong an astronaut? #smh

 

#Pyramid Dude collects neck pillows.

 

#Pyramid She missed saying religious things for Easter.

 

#ToTellTheTruth Did one say Lockhart Martin?

 

#MatchGame Texas has Hill Country. Duh. And she spelled it Oaklahoma. Jeez.

 

 Inside Edition

 

 I’d drive off. That ostrich might peck your child. #BeenAttackedByABlueJay

 

 Pallbearers wore dog leashes.

 

 She accepted a ride with a stranger after missing a bus?

 

 Note to self. Pat hair dry.

 

 National Custodian Day surprise so cool.

 

 I take a carbon monoxide detector with me when I travel.

 

 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you wear life vests. Huge boat goes right into fishing boat.

 

60 Minutes

 

#JenniferLawrence friends are emotional security guards.

 

You have a bank account and you have a time account.

 

Fourth Estate

 

He just called #Fox journalists pseudo.

 

All reporters should vote. Can’t believe you don’t.

 

Such opinionated reporters.  Shame.

2018 Favorite Tweets Fave Shows

Bull

 

 I’m like a human can opener.

 

 I hate you for not telling me, but love you for doing it.

 

 A pleasure to be met.

 

 Lock in your face and lock in your smell.

 

 I hate to win and run ...

 

 We need a blink reactor.

 

 A kinder, gentler #Bull

 

 Nothing like a snowball's chance in hell story.

 

 I love when anyone says way to bury the lede.

 

 25 percent of the way there. I’ll take it.

 

 It only feels like love because you didn’t know what other box to put it in.

 

 Glum and glummer.

 

 Affairs were his oxygen.

 

 Sing out ... Louise #Gypsy

 

 Marissa has the nicest clothes.

 

 Send it to #Ripley He wouldn't believe it.

 

 Really, a smart psychologist doesn’t know what voir dire is?

 

 Red Sea. Rudolph's nose. Red carpet.

 

 I have a plan B minus.

 

 This trial happened quickly since she is still bruised.

 

 Night no longer follows day. The ground is not beneath us. The sky is not above us.

 

 You impersonated McDreamy.

 

 NCIS NOLA

 

 I'm an investigative reporter. Danger is my baseline.

 

 The north shore is not near Baton Rouge.

 

 #BourbonOrleans won a 2-night stay there once.

 

 Let's see whose microphone is bigger.

 

 Show has the #DesperateHousewives men on tonight.

 

 You can't avoid a pothole in New Orleans.

 

 That was a little too fast and furious for me.

 

 Y’all save me a biscuit. lol

 

 I’ve sat at that table they just walked by.

 

 Nola 300 sign.  Current!!

 

 If I move now. Kaboom.

 

 If Susan was too weak for a transplant, how could she be working?

 

 My heart almost stopped when he sat up. How did that dude live?

 

 I learned that 9mm velocity stuff in #MiniMed

 

 Designated Survivor

 

 Somebody has to come to his defense. I don’t care if it’s the postmaster general.

 

 I bet there’s a defibrillator in the White House.

 

 She treats me like a cone in the road.

 

 My psyche is being publicly autopsied.

 

 Have you seen Lior? 5' 10", blue eyes, definitely dropped on his head.

 

 If you do this long enough, you realize you don’t know anyone.

 

 Did I hear Barksdale AFB being mentioned?

 

 This Teddy character gets around. She was with Kirkman last night and on Grey's tonight.

 

 I remember saying he would always have that voicemail since he didn’t answer.

 

 Every decision has an antecedent.

 

 Spiderman Hannah

 

 Manifest

 

 Just wow on the Romans 8:28. Flight number. 828ers.

 

 Say yes to Jared.

 

 Joy is never wrong.

 

 Whatever happened to just losing your luggage?

 

 He saw a peacock on an NBC show.

 

 Ransom 

 

 Plants should not be allowed in prison. Seriously what idiot allowed this?

 

 Great casting, son looks father.

 

 I love it when you speak geek.

 

 You Fort Knoxed me.

 

 Looks like we were beaten by us.

 

 Gangsta Beaumont.

 

 She'd rather be kidnapped than go back to her husband.

 

 Are you still gonna bill them or is this a no pulse/no fee type of deal?

 

 Soldiers generally win battles. Generals get credit for them.

 

 AGT

 

 Dogs want to please. Cats are like make me.

 

 He said he has bad eyesight and @howiemandel next words were I see...a trapeze.

 

 She jump roped with her behind. Gymnast jump roper or jump roper gymnast.

 

 Best contortionist ever.  He moved around.

 

 Heel yes

 

 Happiness in a bottle.

 

 Ring flies away, but appears in wrapped box.

 

 They added more protein. #HumanFountains

 

 Someone tell Simon Houdini died from appendicitis.

 

 What do they call a mushroom with many friends? A fungi.

 

 He reads his mom’s letter every day.

 

 There's a ghost in that girl.

 

 Two stomachs from Japan.

 

 Pavarotti doing Aerosmith.

 

 Bachelor

 

 Well, he's not going to pick a girl wearing a crucifix. Finally a couple talks religion. #dealbreaker that he is anti.

 

 I'm done. That was glitter.

 

 Ride the high.

 

 Did he say qwarky?

 

 Lauren is duller than dish water. Losing interest in #Arie.

 

 These young girls have wrinkles and grey hairs.

 

 Arie and Lauren are expecting. Do you know the sex, US asks them. We do, but we plan to announce it at our wedding. #backwards

 

 Please tell me I will not hear the word throuple.

 

 Bowling is one date I would want to go on.

 

 Her lip gloss. Ugh. #Bekah And wear a bra.

 

 People say you get butterflies, but...you give me, eagles. Garrett to Becca

 

 Why don't they find people closer to his age?

 

 Are we going to make it to the finish line? Cute. But not the pit stop.

 

 Does anyone wear glasses on a date?

 

 Does anyone have her own non-fake lashes?

 

 Grey's Anatomy

 

 She's circling the drain. :(

 

 It's all tether ball, Karev.

 

 You know I overheat when I'm working on clotting studies.

 

 We have a no daylight rule.

 

 I don’t know how to tell him and I don’t know how to not tell him.

 

 He proposed with a crossword.

 

 We're so busy taking care of others, maybe we're not checking in on each other enough.

 

 Tomophobia patient dad died when she was 5 in appi :(

 

 Let go of what holds you back.

 

 Women usually just feed me grapes.

 

Don't fire someone in front of others.

 

 If the front door is locked, try the back door or a window.

 

 We had a rhythm. We had a shorthand.

 

 You're so screwed up, you make me make sense. #PerfectCouple

 

 First love usually hurts. It’s not supposed to kill you.

 

 Impailmentpalooza

 

 It takes me three weeks to choose a toothbrush.

 

 Alex Karev is getting married. My work here is done.

 

 She's using party as a verb.

 

 The Resident

 

 What happens in the OR stays in the OR. Sad.

 

 Say ah for an cappella group.

 

 Had an appi and came home with a Mohawk.

 

 Can you get a physician’s assistant to do it? I’m handling 20 patients.

 

 You're a swayer.

 

 I carry a small cemetery in my brain.

 

 Instrument named after DeBakey cool.

 

 I do look smashing. (If I don't mind saying so).

 

 "The appendix hasn't burst. That's good news." You hit an artery on an appendectomy? 30-hour shift. Don't you dare lie for him.

 

 Exit or evolve.

 

 Fire in the OR. Liar, liar scrubs on fire.

 

 Storms are the earth’s way of venting.

 

 #cyberchondria

 

 I’m done coloring inside the lines.

 

New Amsterdam

 

Things you learn. Dental extraction before radiation for throat cancer. Never knew. #osteonecrosis

 

It’s like hands across America, but with livers.

 

Why did Luna's heart recipient have her ashes?

 

 911 on Fox

 

 You're not leaving anything behind. You're going towards something.

 

 I'm excited for you. Almost as much as I'm sad for me.

 

 Let me bring this over here in case you want to get kinky with the taser.

 

 He clutched his side and fell over. It could be appendicitis. I'm not sure.

 

 She did not PASS with the fire extinguisher.

 

 We are all haunted by choices we make and struggled with. We have ghost stories.

 

 Lassie, get help.

 

 She's your ex. You get to move on. I get to hold a grudge until I die.

 

 The only people who can truly navigate bureaucracy are the people who work in it.

 

 It’s not like it can roll. But it could bounce.

 

 Scandal

 

 My hand clasped my gaping mouth when he went back to the basement to clean up. Poor guy.

 

 Snore on the Fitz Olivia scene. Getting old.

 

 We can’t turn Quinn into ammunition.

 

 Can you just approach Supreme Court justices like that?

 

 The AG is in the Veep office poisoned with text evidence and surely cameras. Dumb Cyrus.

 

 Slow clap for David Rosen!

 

 What happened to you two? You used to be dark. Now you're fluffy, which might be creepier.

 

 Deception

 

 Cameron wears rose-colored glasses dipped in honey and plated with gold.

 

 My only exposure to art is abstract blood spatters and misspelled gang tattoos.

 

 There's a word magicians don't use anymore. I always wanted to try it.  #tada

 

 Classic quick change. Those three trucks became one.

 

 Easy, J. Edgar.

 

Wisdom of the Crowd

 

The supervisor is not a lizard. He's a snake.

 

You are acting 24 percent weird.