Silence Can Be Disturbing 

At one 2021 funeral we were told to touch base with the grieving in the days after everyone goes his own way. When the silence really hits. It may seem like your loved one’s light went out, but God’s light is still there as in beginning. He doesn’t desert us and hopefully your friends won’t either. Know that sun rides over grief.

Mark Hall, Casting Crowns singer, said his mother wasn’t ready for the quiet after her parents died. He wrote Scars in Heaven for her. “I know you’re in a place where your wounds have been erased and knowing yours are healed is healing mine” are part of the lyrics. While we’re struggling down here, your loved one is not. They had a promotion to glory. Romans 8:18 reveals that sufferings of this time are not worthy to be compared with what future glory shall be revealed in us.

Something I read on Facebook said the deceased teach us lessons, lend a hand and try to make us smile. A tingle down your spine is an example. So is a beautiful memory while driving.

Another friend’s Facebook said, “I wish heaven had a phone. Thought of you yesterday and today. I think of you in silence and speak your name.” Again, silence seems to be the word speaking to me in this 17^th annual column.

It may be helpful to find meaning in your silence. When David Kessler was 13, he witnessed a mass shooting at the hotel he was staying in across the street from where his mother was dying. In 2016, his 21-year-old son died suddenly. We have the false idea that our work is to make grief smaller. Our work is to become bigger and grow around the grief, he said. The meaning of the death is in us and what we do afterwards. Be more generous, determined and kind.

The Mothers Against Drunk Driving founder may never understand why her daughter died, but she has saved lives. Loss is what happens in life. Meaningful connections may replace painful memories. Meaning is what we make happen after loss.

A Guideposts story mentioned only one thing was missing at Christmas, but it was all that mattered. Their loved one. But everyday events can have an impact, too, a special song, dish you use or old card you run across. These cause triggers and catch you off guard.  Recognize grieving can last a lifetime, but should not consume a life. No one can rob you of what you had with your loved one. Death is not a cruel separation. We are away from home, not they. Death is a preparation for eternal union. David’s child was dead and would not return to him, but he knew instead he would go to him. 2Samuel 12:23

When a parent dies too young, a child grows up too soon was a line on 60 Minutes. One of the Cartiers said he looked forward to working with his father, but instead was transporting his coffin. Your father may have saved for a retirement he never got to enjoy. Your mother is alone. You mourn the past, present and future. Use this line. “Bless in peace those who sleep in death.”

Trying to bright-side death or find silver linings is very difficult. Over time, what you are feeling diminishes. The pain tearing out of your body. Tinges of sadness. Feeling like everyone on the outside is looking in like you are in a tunnel. Falling apart or like you are a shell of yourself. That nothing is fixed. Being grounded to a halt. Feeling out of balance. Seeing people talking to you but not hearing the speaking. You may not comprehend it all. The silver lining is to think of golden things, said a co-worker.

Someone told a friend whose heart was broken, “I will lend you mine until yours has mended.”

You are not the last leaf on the tree. You are not in an empty hole. You are not left like a piece of luggage on the conveyor belt, going round and round. A grief support group can help you.

On New Amsterdam, a doctor gives her niece some filing to do. The deceased were “inactive files.” The wording struck her. Grief is the reminder that love was present, and that even if it’s no longer in its original form, that love still exists, said Michelle Maroc. Don’t let death define your life. It’s OK to grieve and keep going. It allows you to open yourself up to the next dream.

“But what is grief if not love persevering?” was heard on another TV show. Authors Greg and Lauren Manning found some meaning and purpose in which to dedicate themselves after she was severely burned on 9/11.

Another burn victim who wrote a book, John O’Leary, remembers heartbreak and grief as a hospital chaplain. Frequency doesn’t make it easier, he said. Regardless of age or circumstance, the loss of a loved one is always shocking, O’Leary said. Few of us ponder honestly the profound fragility and beauty of life at any age. Several thousand years ago the author of Psalms reminded us: “Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” The goal of life isn’t to number the days to keep score, but in order to live them passionately, faithfully, intentionally and lovingly. This attention reminds O’Leary daily what matters and what doesn’t. It informs what he says yes and no to. Counting your days will make you live more intentionally. Today, choose to number your days. Rejoice in what you have and those gathered around you. And in the midst of the anxiety, difficulty and unknowns of this day, remain confident that this day remains a gift and even better days are yet to come. This is your day. Live inspired.

A heart can be devastated, but it doesn’t mean an amazing city cannot be built around it. I heard the story of the Church of St. Nicholas, a Gothic Revival cathedral in Hamburg, Germany. The bombing of Hamburg in World War II destroyed the bulk of the church. The removal of the rubble left only its crypt and tall-spired tower, largely hollow save for a large set of bells. These ruins continue to serve as a memorial and an important architectural landmark.

Some ways to do help you:

We need the rituals that have lacked with COVID and no funerals. A funeral is a marking of a life. Perhaps using some of these on a Zoom would be soothing.

www.thedinnerparty.org is a buddy system with a grief peer. Carsonsvillage.org also has excellent resources.

Mail your anonymous grief secret. It gives you time and space to reflect. There are no rules. The address is What's Your Grief, 3600 Roland Ave., Baltimore, MD 21211, or submit@whatsyourgrief.com or via direct message to @griefsecret on Instagram.

Create a night sky of star coordinates with the moment of death.

Cling to a child’s pillow with his scent.

Convert ashes to diamonds with companies such as Enterneva.    

Go to nature. Rocks, shrubs, trees, flowers, seashells. Parks, gardens and cemeteries can be beautiful and quiet places to contemplate. Picnic, read, bird watch, see the sun rise. There are positive impacts for looking at landscapes, whether from a window or screen. It helps us feel better, think better and heal faster. Cover your wall with paintings. Smells of candles we burn can have nature around us. Grief is a wilderness, said Dr. Alan Wolfelt. When we bring in the wilds of our grief into the wilderness of our natural world, we come to know we are not alone. Feed the spirit and renew with nature. Nature is grief hospitality. It teaches destruction and rebirth. It’s steady and calming. I personally wish I could be in Muir Woods.

Don’t beat yourself up with: I could have done more. I thought we’d have more time together. It’s too soon. He was healthy and vibrant. She wasn’t ready to go. It’s not fair. Tend to your grief with thoughtful words of people who have been in your shoes. 

One death stops everybody’s world. Some deaths stop THE WORLD. Legacy.com, the world’s largest online obituary source, said Rosa Parks has gotten the most responses. Some said they will now vote because of her and many students do research on her. She exhibited bravery and sacrifice and lived with intent. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is one way for someone to admire someone who has passed away. You are not alone.