Grief tramples holiday timetables

It's almost impossible to ignore the holidays. They start earlier each year. In order for you to cope after losing a loved one, it’s very important to shift your focus on how your deceased loved ones lived, not how they died, on your blessings, happy times and positive goals. Can you deliberately change your sad thoughts?

When Fred Goldman was asked how his life has changed 20 years after the murder of his son Ron, along with Nicole Brown Simpson, Goldman said he has learned how to adjust, to change, but not change.

The parents of the couple killed in a car wreck 10 years ago were quoted in the newspaper as saying, "You can become bitter or you can step back and allow God to rescue you." They live with an eternal perspective and are more compassionate and aware of the pain of others. Do things that really matter, they said.

Coach Jimmy Johnson said he opened up some emotions when his mother died that he'd kept guarded. He said he knows himself better. Her death has mellowed him and put his priorities in perspective.

The gentleman who dines with the picture of his deceased wife reminds us that people are like candles. "At any moment, a breeze can blow it out, so enjoy the light while you have it."

As America's Most Wanted host John Walsh, who lost his son, Adam, said, "If his song is to continue, then we must do the singing."  You can help redeem your loved one's death by using it to help others like Walsh did.

Joel Osteen decided one day not to recall his father's death every time he went to his mother's house. "I'm not reliving that night. I'm not feeling those sad and depressing emotions," he said. Osteen chose to change the channel and started remembering fun times together.

Meanwhile, sad times can occur for those grieving at awkward encounters at the grocery store or glancing at a rerun that reminds you of a cozy winter afternoon.

You have the choice to gaze into the fireplace, let breezes ruffle your hair, let music find a path to your heart, feel a stream tickle your toes, walk an old path or to find a place to scream or an imaginary room in which to stuff your fears.

Think of your emotions as bubbles in a glass, the beverage being your emotional body, suggests Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors magazine. As you experience a feeling, it floats up through your body. When it reaches the surface, it pops and evaporates into the air. If you put a lid on it, you are blocking negative emotions, you'll have a buildup and it will block joy and peace. Another TAPS article said that in popsicle language, you thaw at your own rate.

Holiday choices may include modifying your decorations, opening gifts on the usual day or another time, changing the usual dinner location, going out of town or writing in a journal your hopes for the new year.

You can decide to keep the clothing that smells like your loved one or give it away. It's up to you to decide what is essential for a connection. Should the clothing be made into a quilt? Should you wear his red T-shirt every Friday to support the troops?

Maybe you are keeping something secret. A little girl with a special Teddy bear, a dad with his son's small treasure in a drawer, a widow wearing her husband's bathrobe. No one thinks anything of keeping yearbooks, their preserved wedding dress or first corsage, pair of baby shoes or top of the cake.  It's OK.

Here are some celebrity examples of coping with grief:

Kidd Craddick's daughter drank her father's favorite wine on his death anniversary.

Roma Downey will imagine her mother sitting in a corner, lovingly reassuring her like she did when she was in ballet lessons.

Melissa Rivers said her mother would want us all to return to laughing soon.

Olympic hockey player Lyndsey Fry carried a deceased team member's jersey with a note. "I made it, Liz, to the gold medal game. And you're here with me in spirit. It reminds me every day how hard I've worked and how much her memory has been there with me."

A Utah lady who lost her husband in a mall shooting that severely injured her son was determined to get her family's life back. She told her kids, "We were happy before, and we are going to be happy again." She decided to help others with an effort called Circle The Wagons. They have made 1,000 kits to send to others who have been affected by violent crimes that include a Can of Comfort filled with tips (96-hour survival guide), crucial phone numbers and a key--one side labeled strength and the other hope. Spending hours thinking about yourself isn't productive, she said, letting grief hold you up. Surge forward.

The mother of an LSU student killed in a car wreck said her mind worked 24/7. "You think of something you should have done, could have done, why couldn’t this have happened. It’s just non-stop.”

A young man who lost his grandfather said he regretted not spending enough time to know about his childhood, what drove him, all the things that he went through before he was a grey-haired man.  He said the grandfather had the privilege of knowing him so well, but he didn't know those things about his grandfather. Learn about each other now.

Another son said what he missed about his dad was probably the things the dad would miss, too. Like seeing graduations, jobs, birthdays. I still write to him on March 19, every year, this young man said.

A 7-year-old gave a eulogy and sang it the day of her grandfather's funeral. "I'm giving God the whole day and I'm not going to stop." she said. Oh, to have her attitude.

In a Reader's Digest "Words of Lasting Interest" column, the author writes, "Always go to the funeral." Her father taught her that as a child. She recalls the  3 p.m. funeral of her father and the "inconvenienced" crowd there for her.

The friend who says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away is the way author Barbara Kingsolver puts it.

Those grieving return to work and make it through the day because it has less memories of everything they have loved and lost. Being home is harder. Grief is profoundly lonely and each small gesture connects the person grieving to humanity. I read about a person who sent her friend who had a loss a card every two weeks for the first year. Another friend has texted every Thursday at 6 p.m. for three years a simple "Love you."

A doctor who wrote about his wife dying of cancer speaks of having plenty of people to do things with, but nobody to do nothing with.  Help those in grief delight in something beautiful to notice.  Cherish these things that are the "stuff" of life, says a story about Lisa Beamer's teacher on the death of her spouse.

I am a member of a daily list serve. One of the writers made grief cards with daily prompts on them and sent them to all family members after a relative's death.  Things like "tell your children a story about your loved one today" or "release a balloon in your loved one's honor." Plan a ritual activity--a church service, hike, kites flown in memory, hymns sung, a special dinner, volunteer effort or a commemoration of the deceased person's hobby or passion.

You CAN do something to help people grieving become flourishing and thriving once again rather than the disorganized, distracted, distraught, distressed, disoriented person they likely are.

 

Fargo for Vacation? You betcha

Don't let North Dakota be just a "flyover state." In my quest to visit all 50 states, I took what I thought was a nothing trip and suddenly made it all feel worthwhile. I flew into Minneapolis on a Saturday and drove approximately 3.5 hours west to South Dakota, then up to Fargo.

I did a little research before I left, but stopped at the Fargo Convention and Tourist Bureau, amazed that it was open until 6 p.m. on a Saturday. That's where the Celebrity Walk of Fame is, with hand and footprints in cement of visitors to Fargo. It includes 120 actors, authors, musicians and athletes. The first was Louisiana's own, Al Hirt. I was the first to put a pin on their world map for being a visitor from Shreveport.

Inside, you can have your picture made with a wood chipper in a corner devoted to the Fargo movie. Afterwards, you can go to www.thewoodchipper.org to see your photo appear on Facebook. Thank goodness, because I didn't even bring my real camera.

There is also a Wood Chip Marge statue at the Fargo Theatre. Actually, the movie only showed two scenes of Fargo and was not filmed there. Residents don't talk in an accent as exaggerated as the movie depicted; in fact, it seems like I was asked to repeat myself a lot.

Another stop was the Roger Maris Museum in West Acres Shopping Center. Maris shattered Babe Ruth's 1927 home run record with 61 homers in a single season in 1961 on the final day of the regular season. The Maris record stood for 37 years. He grew up in Fargo and led the American Legion team to the state championship.

You can watch a video there on an actual Yankee Stadium seat. The film shows Maris and Mickey Mantle were nearing Ruth's record. Pressure and the media got to Maris and he actually asked to sit out a game while approaching the record. A humble man, when he broke the record, teammates pushed him from the dugout back onto the diamond. Maris did not want to go back to Yankee Stadium for former player days, feeling he did not leave in good terms, until George Steinbrenner asked what it would take and Maris asked for a donation for a baseball field. You can see Maris bats, balls, uniforms, awards and magazine covers. There is no admission charge. Maris is buried in Fargo.

At the mall, I noticed Fargo has a Macy's. It also has a Cinnabon's, zoo and Amtrak station. Three things Shreveport-Bossier does not. I drove by the Fargodome arena that seated 17,000 for the Paul McCartney concert that night. This town of 104,000 has an arena larger than ours and attracted McCartney!

The North Dakota State University Bison play in the Fargodome. The 14,000 students see colorful bison artwork around town and beautifully landscaped streets with hanging plants. In the downtown area, many people were out and about around 7 p.m. It didn't get dark until close to 10 p.m.

It was 84 degrees the day I arrived and 54 degrees the Sunday I left. I'm sure it is much different in the winter, but I actually thought I could live in Fargo in the summer.

Nothing against southeast South Dakota, but I spent the night in Fargo, so that is where I wandered around and became impressed enough to write this. If you don't want to visit, maybe you want to work there. The newspaper had 11 pages of want ads.

There is nothing Podunk about Fargo. Just like we don't want people to think we are all from the swamp or hunt ducks, don't judge Fargo from the movie. It is nothing like you think.

P.S. If you save North Dakota for last, there is an official club. Best for last!

 

 

Minneapolis Paper Gets Five Stars

I spent 1.5 hours intently reading the Minneapolis StarTribune on a plane ride home from there on Sunday, July 13. A gentleman in the waiting area at the airport said I could glance at his, but he was taking it home to his wife. I saw so many stories that I wanted to read that I went and bought my own.

With no affinity towards Minneapolis, I was mesmerized and fascinated by many of the stories, first off, the upcoming All-Star game being played there and reading that Major League Baseball booked 14,000 rooms for the event.

A former LSU AgCenter employee and being from Shreveport where the Haynesville Shale has changed the area, I next read about the rail backups that have put Minnesota crops in jeopardy because of the North Dakota oil boom using the trains. Very pertinent information.

While my New Year's resolution was to do something caring every week, I studied the panhandling story. There is a website, www.giverealchange.org, that has tips on how to deal with aggressive solicitation. Minneapolis has a campaign for people to stop giving, instead writing a check to a nonprofit, which is dedicated to long-term solutions such as housing subsidies, job training (many panhandlers have just gotten out of prison) and mental health programs. Food for thought.

Device dangers was on the front page. One of every four crashes in Minnesota is caused by drivers not watching the road. The story showed victims and quoted that in two or three seconds, drivers travel hundreds of feet, so texting is like driving blindfolded. The article noted that you can get pulled over six times and get the same fine, unlike Driving While Intoxicated. Statistics show 2,189 drivers were cited for texting last year, up from 1,718. I harp on Don't Text and Drive.

Now an assistant to a state senator in Louisiana, it stuck out that Minnesota was one of the last to mandate seat belt laws and lower the blood alcohol limit. There doesn't appear to be a groundswell of public opinion that is pushing their Legislature toward banning cell phones in construction zones and other areas.

Then there was a Jesse Ventura update that insulted me. Ventura was appearing in court to sue the estate of a book's author for defamation. The author, who was later murdered, said Ventura was knocked out in a bar fight after making remarks about President Bush and dead Navy SEALs. The writer says, So the guy who sang Werewolves of London while wearing a boa thinks his reputation has been harmed? I had not known the former governor made reporters (I used to be one) wear nametags that said "media jackals." In his own book, Ventura once intimidated some people who had on "Harvard Sucks" T-shirts. He was teaching there, but how? He didn't complete junior college, the writer said.

I never thought about the Hamptons' gap between rich and poor until I read the story in the paper. Nannies, gardeners and pool maintenance people are out of work there in the winter. Forty percent of students are on a free or reduced lunch. Doctors and nurses share homes owned by the hospital because they can't afford their own. People commute three hours because they cannot afford to live there. Never thought about that.

Other stories were about curfews for youth, facial features might determine the length of your life, a travel story about airport cancellations and one on how to be nice to newcomers. Apparently, Minnesotans are a tight knit bunch.

But their stories drew this outsider in. I am so impressed with the StarTribune. But I did think its insert to try to get subscribers that featured mosquitoes all over the place was dumb. We don't like mosquitoes in Louisiana.

St. Maria Goretti

 

St. Maria Goretti's story combined with my notes from talk by Father Carlos Martins

 

Born in Corinaldo, Ancona, Italy, on Oct. 16 1890; Maria's farmworker father died of malaria from a mosquito bite and her mother had to struggle to feed her children. Maria, 11, somewhat became the mom of her five siblings.

 

In 1902, a 19-year-old neighbor, Alexander, grabbed her from her steps and tried to rape her. When Maria said that she would rather die than submit, Alexander began stabbing her with a metal file. He stabbed her nine times, even the spine, then five more in her intestines. Doctors were scared of peritonitis setting in, the same thing that can happen when your appendix bursts. She was dehydrated in the hospital and wanted water. A priest came and told her the Lord begged for water on the cross. Doctors thought the water would come out of the holes of her body and induce peritonitis. The priest asked her to offer up her thirst for sinners. Doctors performed surgery with no anesthesia because they thought it might induce cardiac arrest. She never complained or cried.

 

As she lay in the hospital, she forgave Alexander before she died and wanted him in heaven with her. Her death didn't end her forgivness, however.

 

Alexander was captured and sentenced to 30 years. He was unrepentant until he had a dream that he was in a garden. Maria was there and gave him 14 white lilies. When he woke, he was a changed man, filled with light and the Holy Spirit and became contrite, repenting of his crime and living a reformed life. When he was released after 27 years he went directly to Maria's mother to beg her forgiveness, which she gave. "If my daughter can forgive him, who am I to withold forgiveness," she said. They went to Christmas Eve Mass together. She adopted him.

 

When Maria was declared a saint in 1950, Alexander and the mom were there in the St. Peter's crowd to celebrate her canonization. She was canonized by Pope Pius XII for her purity as a model for youth. The crowd was the largest to date there. The priest believes Alexander will be canonized.

 

She is called a martyr because she fought against Alexander's attempts at sexual assault. However, the most important aspect of her story is her forgiveness of her attacker -- her concern for her enemy extending even beyond death. Her feast day is July 6. St. Maria Goretti is the patroness of youth and for the victims of rape.

 

Prayer cards have been made of Maria. This priest went to see a man about to have an amputation due to a spider bite and placed the prayer card on the body part. Thirty minutes later he did not need surgery.

 

There is a church named after her in her hometown, very close to the sea. Three times it had to be raised due to high waters. But with her body there, it has not sunk.

 

This story takes place all because Maria forgave.

Louisiana's not so bad

Louisiana's not so bad except in education and prison rates and poverty. We got a booklet on state comparisons from the Taxpayers Network and highlighted those of importance:
No. 1 in incarceration rate. Ugh.
No. 6 in poverty rate at 29.6 percent. Only 15 percent in N.H.
No. 4 in senior citizen poverty rate at 24.2 percent. Only 13.1 in Utah.
No. 29 in annual per capita income at $37,021.
No. 49 in cigarette excise tax rates at 36 cents. $4.35 in New York.
No. 44 in spirits excise tax at $2.50 per gallon. Zero in N.H. and $26.70 in Washington.
No. 39 in gas tax at 20 cents. It's 49 cents in N.Y. and 8 cents in Alaska.
No. 45 in monthly wireless tax at 11.33 percent.
No. 38 in patents issued with 369. California has 30,750.
No. 30 in public teacher salaries at $49,634. $72k in N.Y.
No. 5 in residents without a high school degree at 18.1 percent.
No. 49 in those with post high school education at 47.6 percent. It's 66.9 percent in Colorado.
No. 41 on ACT scores.
No. 6 on spending per capita on Natural Resources and Parks and Recreation.
No. 18 on highway spending per capita.
No. 23 on annual miles driven per capita at 9,806. It's more than 16,000 in Wyoming.
No. 21 in highway fatalities.
No. 49 in liability and litigation systems.
No. 8 in spending by state government on police per capita.
No. 17 in state correctional spending per capita.
No. 6 on violent crime rate.
No. 23 on property crime rate.
No. 21 on total arrests rate.
No. 28 on public welfare expenses per capita at $1,420.

KenSUCKy

Late in posting this, but our trip began with a Lady Gaga concert in Dallas and on to Louisville for Hullabalou.

Gaga
Fire/sparks came out of her breasts and crotch and on top of the piano. She said the people outside were the freaks. One girl was dressed in a deck of cards. Gaga looked like a walking lampshade, a fiber optic snowflake and had stage blood on her sternum--changed clothes a lot. Lady Gaga ranges from Catholic girl to Gypsy Rose Lee to Rosie, the Jetson’s robot maid, as someone said.

Louisville Slugger
The wood spins 1,500 times; a farmer comes in and gets 40,000 to 50,000 pounds of sawdust every couple of days. A system sucks it up. Bats are 50 percent ash and maple. The sweet spot is the strongest part of the bat. They pay athletes $5,000 to use their name and picture. Some order 120 a season. They are ready in 48 hours. The bats are branded at high temperature. There are templates on lathes. They are carted on BATmobiles. Pink bats are used on Mother’s Day only. The factory has been there since 1884. They make 1.8 million bats a year.

Churchill Downs
Just wow!!

Maker’s Mark Distillery
It’s been around since 1805. It’s 117 degrees in the distillery; dark helps keep it hot and not see any mildew. The logo was a cattle brand. People once used their own containers, so it’s the oldest retail package market (1889). Seventy percent is corn grown locally, soft red winter wheat and malted barley for the meal that is mixed with limestone spring water on property. The still is 38 feet tall. The red wax dipping is dangerous; they wear gloves and take breaks every 30 minutes. No. 46 is the new recipe for 46th recipe tried. They slam dunk some bottles deep just for fun and those could be worth something on the Internet. Nineteen people are on a taste panel that approves the release after aging over three hot summers. They still roll the barrels by hand.
I remember some of the Maker’s Mark Ambassador gifts being BIG ICE CUBE TRAY, WRAPPING PAPER, TAGS, BOTTLE SWEATER.

Lynn’s Paradise Café—we went in, but the line was too long--wacky décor, supposedly great French toast, has World of Swirl gift shop, it’s where Dali meets Dolly.

9/11 speaker at event I chaired yesterday

BOSSIER CITY, La.—Freedom, bravery, sacrifice and gratitude were the four words stressed in a Sept. 11 speech by Col. Janet M. Deltuva, deputy command surgeon, Air Force Global Strike Command, Barksdale Air Force Base.
She was the guest speaker for the 10th anniversary remembrance of 9/11 at the Liberty Garden at the Bossier Municipal Complex. The event is sponsored annually by Keep Bossier Beautiful and the City of Bossier City.
Deltuva was a first responder at the Pentagon on 9/11. She said Sept. 11, 2001, began as a beautiful day. She said colonels at the Pentagon first thought the plane striking the first World Trade Center tower was a navigational or air traffic control error.
Then the Pentagon shook when hit by Flight 77.
She said she has not forgotten moving in fear at her job in her own country and says a prayer every time she sees or hears B-52s at Barkdsale take off.
“You only need to live for one moment without freedom to appreciate how important it is,” Deltuva said.
She said rescuers at the Pentagon waded through fire, smoke and chest-high debris. “Today, right here, right now, let us not forget our military, our police, our firefighters and our medical and disaster specialists,” Deltuva said.
She recalled an interview of a daughter of a 9/11 victim who said “the people who did this don’t know that you can’t destroy love no matter what you do” and mentioned another interview with a deceased hero’s daughter who said, “How, how can I make myself happy? It’s by making other people happy.”
Deltuva’s 2010 New Year’s Eve resolution was to read the bible cover to cover and co-workers teased her about studying for the final exam. “On Sept. 11, I thought the final exam was in front of me,” she said. “I am so glad I had a relationship with God.”
It would be easy to be scared or angry or judge or hate a faith, Deltuva said, but she instead offered alternatives: Live with compassion, give others a chance, pray for the 9/11 families, honor today’s heroes--the military, police and firefighters and disaster responders—and be ready in your spiritual life.
Mayor Lorenz Walker presented Deltuva a key to the city.
Pat Simon, KSLA anchor and lieutenant colonel in the 225th Engineer Brigade, Louisiana National Guard, served as emcee. He was deployed to Iraq in 2009.
Others on the program were Craig Kennedy, chaplain of the Bossier City fire and police departments; Suzanne Stinson, Pledge of Allegiance, Commission for Women of Bossier City president; Meredith McLellan, national anthem; and Airline High School ROTC, presentation of colors.
Sponsors included Ouachita Bank, Barksdale Federal Credit Union, KTBS and Advanced Air Conditioning. Fans, water and Support Our Troops bracelets were given out, thanks to the sponsors.
The Liberty Garden was built in 2003 to remember those who lost their lives on 9/11, said Mary Ann Van Osdell, president of Keep Bossier Beautiful. It is located between the police and fire departments at the municipal complex.
Elements include fire (flaming torches), water (pool and fountain) and earth (trees, shrubs, flowers and ornamental grasses). Iron work benches are designed like the American flag.
Etched granite panels represent all points of tragedy on 9/11.
Paving bricks in the garden are still for sale. Forms may be obtained from Alison Feaster at the Bossier Chamber of Commerce.
Bricks are $50 and can accommodate three lines of 14 letters. All donations are tax deductible.