Found 2012 Grief Column

 I collect quotes all year from people who are grieving. I do it to continue this column, which I've written annually since 2005.

 

My intent is to help the grieving during the holidays and those who are friends with them. This year, I especially wish people in Newtown, Conn. could read it.

 

A song by Lee Brice that came out just in the nick of time called "I Drive Your Truck" shows how one brother coped with loss. Lyrics say he has cussed, prayed, said goodbye and asked God why. But driving his brother's truck seems to help.

 

Madonna Badger, who lost her children and parents in a fire last Christmas Day in Connecticut, says her grieving has been like a raw nerve being exposed. She has felt guilty if she smiled. After much counseling, she's decided to spend this Christmas helping orphans overseas.

 

Helping others seems to be the theme of this year's grief collection.

 

Christine Quinn, who wants to be mayor of New York City, lost her mom at 16.  The loss still stings and drives her. She doesn't want to waste a minute of opportunity. If you have the ability, use it well, she says. To get things done.

 

Notre Dame's Heisman Trophy finalist Manti Te'o lost his grandmother and girlfriend hours apart. Though hard, Te'o didn't miss practice that week, opting for his daily routine. He had 12 tackles and broke up two passes in the win against Michigan State. "At that time he may have been a little weak inside, but he never showed it out," said one of his teammates. "He stayed strong. Watching him kept us going strong."

 

Such is true of a local girl who lost her fiancee in a plane crash this year. She is determined to be better for the tragedy and inspire people. She said she doesn't want to crumble and hold herself in a dark corner. She wants to give and touch others.

 

Football star Warrick Dunn has started Betty's Hope, a mobile children's bereavement program in Baton Rouge. Moved by the outpouring of support following his police officer mother's death, Dunn vowed to one day give back.

 

Lisa Swayze said she initially felt worthless, sniveling, incapable, weak and ineffective, but managed to write a book about her husband, Patrick, by digging her nails in and crawling out of bed. The good parts made her realize what she was missing, but the worst things were made constructive in doing so. She said the process didn't create any more pain or tears than she already had.

 

Vicki Kennedy still gets upset when a note in Sen. Teddy Kennedy's handwriting slips out of a book or someone mentions how her husband affected their life. It's still hard to look at the direction of his desk in the Senate when she visits.

 

You don't forget; you learn to handle it better, said Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton, exonerated recently when it was ruled that her baby was indeed killed by a dingo.

 

Vice President Joe Biden told those attending a convention for the grieving that their lives will get better and a smile will eventually come before a tear. His message was you can shed tears that your loved one is gone or you can smile because he has lived.

 

Grieving has been described as riding an exercise bike, pedaling and getting nowhere. Don't lose hope while spinning your wheels. Keep on and you will find the right direction.

 

There is no way out of death; you can only move forward. So give time time.

 

Pain won’t evaporate, but it will soften during the healing process. You may initially zig and zag, but every stagger will make you stronger and your life will become manageable.

 

You may wonder if you spent enough time with your loved one and expressed enough gratitude or love. How you react depends on your relationship with the deceased, how prepared you were, the support you have and your own health.

 

Hopefully, others will show gestures of love and not be insensitive in your time of need. Avoid those who skirt conversation, act like grief is contagious or say, "Don’t take it so hard, you’re upsetting people."

 

Talk about your feelings with someone who has been through grieving, not a "fixer-upper" friend or relative.

 

You will lose your support system shortly after the funeral; hopefully friends will send not just a card but themselves to you when your heart is heavy, your routine feels foreign and you may be struggling with becoming the family patriarch/matriarch.

 

You can find comfort in talking to a minister. Let Jesus fill the empty space. Read 2 Corinthians 5:8, Revelation 21:1-4 and Psalm 34:18.

 

Though a line from “Desperate Housewives,” it has stayed with me. "Death doesn't just take. It gives." It teaches us what is important.

 

What can you do? Help a neighbor, fight for a cause, champion compassion. Delight, encourage, lift spirits. Live your own dash!