2018 Favorite Tweets TODAY, Whiteblower, Pink Crimes all the way to Game and Funny Shows

TODAY

 

#TodayShow report What do I have to do to get liked by the Pope? Keep hoping and keep praying #ultimatedream #pureelation

 

#TodayShow They speak English in Cabo. @SavannahGuthrie

 

#TodayShow A first impression is a preface of a book.

 

#TodayShow A kid slipping on the ice is not adorable. #SavannahGuthrie

 

#JeffRossen You can buy police uniforms online? Scary.

 

 Whistleblower

 

 A moving van had to haul the stolen stuff.

 

 Taxpayer $$$$ was used like tissue paper.

 

 Hearing he didn't have cancer was worse than having it. Lost teeth due to chemo that was not needed.

 

 6 crowns and 3 root canals at 2?

 

 I turned my kitchen into a war room.

 

 They sent us the haystack, but not the needles.

 

 He is using a pink highlighter.

 

 Saw 70-90 patients a day at 2 minutes each. 8 of 10 got treatments compared to 3 of 10 of others in practice #BurningBuildingWithPeopleInside

 

 Love this guy. Taping documents to his body.

 

 Tough to go up a ladder and slide down.

 

 Anyone who makes you work on the day of your dad’s funeral can go you know where. And you shouldn’t have.

 

Shark Tank

 

I’m not looking for a survivor. I’m looking for a thriver. Nobody had high hopes for me. #MarkCuban

 

#MattHiggins #SharkTank "I invest in people." His mother died on his first day as press secretary of NYC. :(

 

Execution trumps talent.

 

I wish they had said #dillydilly instead of cheers.

 

 Objectified

 

 First clue. Kris only knew Bruce five months before marriage and swore off men two weeks before meeting him.

 

 I need an extra chamber she says of her grandchild.

 

 Farrah's hair was the 4th angel. #JiggleTv #CharliesAngels

 

 Tears put you in contact with that person. I don't even go to Houston. #JaclynSmith I have sentimental ornaments too.

 

 He wants his six kids from three women to make it on their own and find themselves.

 

 Pamela Anderson knew Tommy Lee four days before marriage.

 

 Pamela Anderson wished her babysitter who molested her dead and she died in a graduation car wreck.

 

 Marriage is the first step to divorce. #PitBull

 

 He calls it politricks. #PitBull

 

 #PitBull Sports. Leadership. Arts. Management. Hustle. Approach. Socializing. Solutions. #SLAM Students celebrated more for getting out of jail than degree.

 

 Pit Bull is 90 percent business.

 

 Invest in the business of chiropractic. Everyone looking down.

 

 Someone sent an invoice to Willie Nelson's wife for a baby that was his and not hers.

 

 You become a fan of no.  Tony Robbins KFC story.

 

 They made fun of @IamStevenT lips. He showed them.

 

 Keep it simple. The masses are stupid. Six seconds.

 

  Pink Collar Crimes

 

 10 miscarriages.

 

 Neither one of them wanted to bury the hatchet. They wanted to get a bigger hatchet.

 

 Nothing funny about bank robberies, you kooks.

 

 With what would you buy the pony?

 

 Jackie stole $9 million using paper, scissors and glue.

 

 Why block out groom when you already showed him?

 

 I took my kids to school then robbed a bank. That doesn't make it OK to rob a bank. To feed a family. Bank robber rides off on a BMX.

 

 Why would a dog food company offer a free coupon if you called to say your dog threw up? You would not want it again.

 

 Last Defense

 

 Traumatic amnesia. Drugged with sock. Nah. Who put the sock in the alley?

 

 Did they seriously bring cake to the cemetery? Cancel the party. Would you let your kid attend it?

 

 She wore 10 rings daily.

 

 Did she always sleep downstairs? Or just this night? Little blood on couch.

 

 No indication of knife on floor. Window played in #JonBenet too.

 

 Father and infant upstairs during stabbing. WM dark clothing, cut screen, glass, footprints.

 

 The Note

 

 Don’t attempt to defer love.

 

 We were not allowed to take home clippings from the morgue.

 

 I'm a dry well.

 

 He left in the rain. She left on a bike in the rain.

 

 I can turn his stand ups into a sit down with a baseball bat.

 

Getty/Trust and Crystal Rogers and Pamela Smart

 

#Trust Why pay for shipping oil, refining, gas stations? Own them. #Getty

 

#Trust John Paul Getty’s ear got caught up in Naples during a postal-worker strike.  Did not know this part.

 

#TheDisappearanceofCrystalRogers Stealing a missing person’s sign is a theft?

 

#TheDisappearanceofCrystalRogers If you want to kill somebody in Kentucky, you have a 50 percent chance of getting away with it.

 

#PamelaSmart I don't get how she can wear jewelry in prison.

 

#PamelaSmart The state purchased her dress and had her hair done. Never thought about this cost.

 

#PamelaSmart Can you imagine your school newspaper running a story on its own arrested for murder? #DiscoveryID

 

The Middle and Last Man Standing

 

#TheMiddle Pick a day. Thursday. That's the day we're picking a day to pick a day.

 

#TheMiddle Did grandma really get sick or did you leave her in the woods, too?

 

#TheMiddle You throw out moments like they are beads at #MardiGras

 

#TheMiddle Hit me with the Shirley Temple.

 

#LastManStanding 4 tuxedoes. 4 wives. I’ll wear the Mary Ann.

 

 Timeless

 

 We’re a team. We’re the Beatles. We don’t need Yoko.

 

 You can’t smell history in books @boleycalhoun

 

 This is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

 

 Let them have California.

 

 Sharp Objects and The Sinner

 

 The killer pulled her teeth.

 

 An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Never heard that before.

 

 Hello, cubby.

 

 Really you are just a drunk and a slut.

 

 Brains will get you out of this town.

 

 Let's concentrate on the five-alarm fire.

 

 Good tree, bad apple. Not sure about that.

 

 #TheSinner Romeoing my Juliet.

 

 #TheSinner Tattoo leads to author who leads to storage unit.

 

 Christmas Light Fight

 

 Credit card cute way to start the lights.

 

 16 kids in 18 years.

 

 There is a fire-breathing dragon.

 

 72 trees inside. Even the quilt is lit up.  No cooking! A toiletree!

 

 Santa in an outhouse. She didn't think he pooped.

 

 Run through large gift wrap and lights go on!

 

Pageants

 

#MissUSA2018 The top 3 all start with N.

 

#MissUSA Pick a gown you can walk in.

 

#MissAmerica Nebraska was writing a will at 19?

 

#MissAmerica None of their hair colors in the talking part matches color now.

 

Did anyone else know #MissUniverse was the other day? Missed it. Spain had transgender contestant.

 

Awards Shows

 

#CMTAwards @LukeBryanOnline doesn't make it into the big arena?

 

#CMTAwards I think she is wearing rhinestone pajamas.

 

#ACMAwards Glitter eye shadow must be a thing.

 

#Oscars In Memoriam segment slammed for excluding Adam West, Glen Campbell.

 

#Oscars The correct envelope, please.

 

Ew, butchers lining up to design @ladygaga #Oscar dress

 

#EmmyAwards Who is this atheist?

 

#EmmyAwards There are so many guys who lost with engagement rings in their pockets.

 

#EmmyAwards Can I get some water that’s really vodka?

 

 Jeopardy and Game Shows

 

 @FirstDogHenry is such a cute idea. I’d want that story, too, contestant Daniel.

 

 Township question.  My high-dollar real estate class gave me the answer.

 

 Sworn in on a book. Really?

 

 Cemetery first date weird. Unless it’s Gettysburg or Arlington or Vicksburg.

 

 #Jeopardy needs a disco ball and some Saturday night fever music today. If this guy points up and wiggles, I will lose it.

 

 I’m reading #AccidentalPresident right now. Lend Lease.

 

 Making that plaster of Paris of Greenland in sixth grade just paid off.

 

 #BoomerSooner that scares the hell out of me.

 

 I knew #SingintheRain would be one of the Donalds.

 

 Never thought about women on trial never having a jury of their peers long ago.

 

 The Philippines is >7,000 islands.

 

 I knew delta king of the blues today from watching #Timeless

 

 I did not know Helen Keller founded #ACLU

 

 Pretty freaky to bet 666$.

 

 #JoyceKilmer is a man. Am I stupid? Never realized.

 

 Nobody doesn’t like #SARAlee #weirdgrammar

 

#WheelOfFortune Humpty Dumpty sat on a Wall Street broker. Howling.

 

#WheelOfFortune @TheVannaWhite are you wearing an @IvankaTrump dress like mine?

 

#Pyramid Since when was Lance Armstrong an astronaut? #smh

 

#Pyramid Dude collects neck pillows.

 

#Pyramid She missed saying religious things for Easter.

 

#ToTellTheTruth Did one say Lockhart Martin?

 

#MatchGame Texas has Hill Country. Duh. And she spelled it Oaklahoma. Jeez.

 

 Inside Edition

 

 I’d drive off. That ostrich might peck your child. #BeenAttackedByABlueJay

 

 Pallbearers wore dog leashes.

 

 She accepted a ride with a stranger after missing a bus?

 

 Note to self. Pat hair dry.

 

 National Custodian Day surprise so cool.

 

 I take a carbon monoxide detector with me when I travel.

 

 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you wear life vests. Huge boat goes right into fishing boat.

 

60 Minutes

 

#JenniferLawrence friends are emotional security guards.

 

You have a bank account and you have a time account.

 

Fourth Estate

 

He just called #Fox journalists pseudo.

 

All reporters should vote. Can’t believe you don’t.

 

Such opinionated reporters.  Shame.